Serenity
by Chicleeblair
Summary: Meredith's life is spiraling down. She knows it, and soon everyone else will know it too. Can she pull herself out and allow those that love her to help? PostLMR MerDer
1. And You Know That She'll Be True

Meredith stood in the middle of the floor in the lobby with two men staring at her. There was Finn, who by all means she should love. The one who made her smile and who had plans that weren't about to be interrupted by his wife. But Finn's eyes did not make her want to throw herself in his arms, One look from him did not make her smile, or relax. He was not the one who she loved.

But Derek's wife stood ten feet away.

She looked back at him and stared, holding his gaze, attempting portray her feelings without words. He had to know, that she would chose him if he would make up his damn mind.

"Finn I--."

"Meredith!" George called, running into the room, his jacket off. "Izzie wants you."

That was all that she needed. She ran past Finn and out the door with George. It was enough, she was sure, for both of them to understand. For now at least, there were other things that she had to contend with. In the parking lot Izzie stood next to Meredith's jeep, Alex's arm around her shoulder and her bright pink dress a sharp contrast to the blank look on her face.

"Let's go home," Izzie said softly, and Meredith suddenly remembered that they had driven together, and then Izzie had decided to change her dress, and had taken Meredith's car back. Izzie fumbled with her purse, and Alex gently took it from her, pulling out Meredith's keys.

Meredith took them and climbed into the front seat. Alex helped Izzie into the front and wordlessly climbed into the back.

"Don't you have a car, Alex?" Meredith asked, quietly.

"It'll be all right here," he responded and she shrugged. She drove back to her house on auto-pilot, glancing occasionally at Izzie, whose head rested against the window and who was staring blankly at the windshield, seeming not to see anything.

When they got to the house Alex led Izzie inside and Meredith took her to her room to help her out of the prom dress. Izzie stood stoically when Meredith unzipped it and helped her step out, finding Izzie's pajamas folded up on the bed and pulling the shirt over her head. It was somewhat like dressing a rag doll, or a patient. As soon as she was dressed Izzie curled up on her bed drawing her knees up to her chest.

"Do you want anything, Iz?" Meredith asked, kneeling by her.

"Can you ask Alex to come in?" she whispered, her first words since leaving the parking-lot.

"Of course," Meredith murmured. Standing up and running one hand over Izzie's shoulder.

Alex was waiting just outside the door. "She wants you," Meredith told him, and then continued down the hall to the stairs. She didn't walk all of the way down them, though. Something in her gave way at the bottom and she sank down, sitting with her head in her hands.

A few minutes later, George joined her. "So…. Definitely worse than my senior prom," he murmured, flashing her a half-smile.

"I didn't go to mine. Kind of wish that I hadn't gone to this one."

"Did… um….something happen? Besides everything with Izzie and Denny?"

Meredith laughed shallowly, "What didn't happen? I don't want to talk about it."

"Okay."

Suddenly they could hear sobbing from Izzie's room, sobbing that morphed into an animal-like keening. Both George and Meredith stood and climbed back up the stairs. Alex lay on the bed with Izzie who was clinging to him, and sobbing. Meredith slid off her heels and climbed onto the bed, anchoring Izzie from the other side as she began to thrash. George slid next to Meredith, and she could feel his heart beating against her back.

They stayed like this, sandwiching each other, until Izzie's sobs died down and her body seemingly shut down, or at least that was the only explanation for her quick transition into a deep sleep. George got up, but Meredith lingered, pushing the damp hair out of Izzie's face.

"I got her," Alex whispered in the darkness, and Meredith nodded, standing and leaving Izzie's room. She could not remember when she last felt so completely helpless. Probably the first time she went into to see her mother and was not recognized.

She went downstairs again, and this time made it all the way down and into the kitchen, reaching automatically for a shot glass and tequila. She poured it with shaking hands and had just taken the first shot when her cell phone rang from the clutch that she had set on the counter.

"I'm not answering it," she said aloud. Either it would be Finn, who she did not want to hurt by explaining it all to him, or it would be Derek who she was not going to speak to. At least, not yet.

Eventually the ringing stopped, but it was followed by the beep that signified that she had a voicemail. She took a second shot.

What did she want? She thought as she stood there looking up at the wooden cabinet. She wanted to be happy. She had thought that she was happy with Finn, but was she really? How could she be happy when every night Derek's face came into her conscious just before she fell asleep?

She spun the glass on the counter and sighed. Not a good day. It felt lame to say "My dog died today". It felt so lame, when Izzie's fiancée was dead, and Meredith knew that Doc's death wasn't even the reason for her own sorrow. Still, it was what she said when George came into the room and saw her standing there, shot glass in hand, the fourth shot burning her throat.

"You should go to bed," he told her, attempting to take the bottle of tequila from her hand.

"No. I can't."_ I can't because I will see him as soon as my eyes close. I will feel his hands on me, and what is worse is that I will want them to be there again._

"Meredith--."

"Please, George. Just leave me alone. Okay? Please."

"Okay. I'm going to bed. You really should go to."

His footsteps disappeared down the hall and up the stairs, and Meredith just stood there. The light in the kitchen was beginning to seem softer, but her thoughts were turning back to the exam room. She had had sex with Derek, and had wanted it. To have him hold her was all that she had wanted in the months since Addison showed up, but not if she were going to be his mistress.

Damn it, she _was_ sleeping with Addison's husband.

She would not be the dirty mistress. Dirty drunken mistress, now. Dirty diabolical, disheveled debaucherizing drunken mistress. She laughed to herself, but her laugh was hollow. She missed being happy, she missed waking up in his arms and feeling like she was where she was supposed to be.

Another shot, and maybe she should go to bed. She had a shift in…. she squinted at the clock. Damn. Six hours. Yeah, sleep would be good. She slid to the sink to wash out her glass, but she slipped slightly when she forgot that she was barefoot and the glass falls onto the sink, shattering.

"Shit," she cursed, reaching in barehanded to pick up the shards, immediately cutting her palm. "Damn it!"

"Meredith?" George's voice called from the stairwell. "Meredith, what is it?"

"Glass," she offered lamely as blood gushed from the cut. He took one look at the situation and lunged for the paper towels, pressing one against her hand.

"Hold it there," he ordered, sharply. "I'll clean this up and then help you with that." Meekly she sunk into a kitchen chair, watching blood soak into the white paper towel. George reached for a dishcloth and used that to pick up the glass and dump it into the trash. It seemed so simple. She should have done that.

After the glass was clean he glanced over at her and then went upstairs to get the first-aid kit. She stared at the table, feeling stupid. And dirty. She definitely felt dirty in a way that all the showers in the world wouldn't help. All the perfumes in Arabia. What was that? Shakespeare? She couldn't think.

"Meredith? Come on, we have to wash it out," George took her arm and led her to the sink. He turned on the water and held her hand under it.

"Ow! That hurts!"

"Well…. Yeah."

The pain, though, became almost soothing. It came, and then it stopped. Purely physical. Something that would heal. George dabbed at the cut with a new paper towel and then brought her back to the table where he applied an antiseptic and a band-aid.

"There. All done," he said and she looked up.

"Thanks. George…. I'm a mess,' she murmured miserably.

"You'll be okay. We're all going to be okay," he reassured. "Come on," he pulled her up and to the stairs. She went first, and he steadied her when she stumbled. "Get some sleep," he told her, when she went into her room. "Things look better in the morning."

She hoped that he was right, but when she collapsed into bed, figured he would not be.

* * *

The sky was mocking them. When Meredith's alarm went off at four-thirty the sun was already rising and by the time she dragged herself out of bed, temples throbbing, her room was covered in light. She stripped off the dress that she had not even thought to take off, her hand stinging as she did so.

"Meredith? Are you up?" George called from the hall, a note of panic in his voice.

"Yeah, what is it?"

"It's Izzie. She locked herself in the bathroom. Alex left her asleep and--."

Meredith was in the hall in a shirt and panties, running to the bathroom and reaching over the door.

"What--?"

"We came here the summer when I was sixteen, and I liked to lock myself in here. Mom had a pick made." She found the metal rod and stuck it in the key-hole. She fumbled for a minute, but then there was a click and the door swung open.

Izzie sat on the floor, her back against the tub. Her knees were drawn up to her chest and one hand hung limp, a razor clutched in her fist. Meredith sank down next to her on the floor.

"Izzie?" she said, cautiously, gently pulling the razor away. Izzie let her grasp on it slackened and her head fell into her arms.

"I couldn't," she murmured. "But I thought I'd try."

"Oh Izzie," Meredith put an arm around her.

"I was so happy. What happened?"

Meredith had found herself thinking the same thing lately. "I can't answer that for you," she said. "But I can tell you that this," she held up the razor, "wouldn't help anything." Izzie nodded, miserably and Meredith could see tears on her cheeks.

"I know. I just wish there was something that could help. It was a stupid idea. Don't you have a shift? You should go."

Yeah. Go to the hospital. Where he would be there, waiting for her.Meredith sighed and nodded, helping Izzie to stand up. She led her to her room where Izzie collapsed on the bed again.

"Meredith? Your cell phone's going crazy!" George called from downstairs.

Meredith rolled her eyes and crouched by Izzie's bed. "No more crazy stunts like this, okay? I don't want to have to actually break down any doors."

Izzie shrugged, and Meredith took that for consent. Meredith left, gently closing Izzie's door and went into her own room and pulled on a pair of jeans and shoes before going downstairs.

"Want breakfast?" George asked, from where he was fixing eggs.

Her stomach turned over. "No." Her phone lay on the table; George had taken it out of her clutch. Eight missed calls, alternatively from Derek and Finn. One at a time. She went out onto the steps and dialed Finn's number.

"Hello?"

"Hey. It's me."

"Hey. You ran out pretty fast last night."

"Yeah. Izzie needed me."

"Is that all?"

She sighed, resting her head on her arm. "No. Finn, I'm sorry. I'm just a little too scary and damaged for this. I like you, it's not you. It's me. It's so me that you wouldn't even believe how me it is. There are other girls who deserve your plans so much more than I do."

There was a silence, a long silence, and she almost thought that he had hung up. "Okay. That's not true, though. You deserve plans, Meredith. You should be happy. I'm sorry that it can't be with me."

"Me too. Good-bye Finn."

"Bye Meredith."

She closed her phone and put her head in her arms. It was the right thing to do, he did not deserve to be dragged around in her bullshit, but he was such a good guy. It killed her to hurt him.

The door opened behind her and George walked down the steps. "I'll drive," he announced, holding her keys. He looked behind him to make sure that she was coming, and so, resignedly, she pulled herself up and went out to the car. She was a surgeon. She was a surgeon and she was going to save lives. Maybe, even her own.

A/N this one will be shorter than I Wish I May, and updated more often. I should be updating In My Daughter's Eyes some time this week. I actually have this one written fairly far ahead, so I can concentrate on other things.


	2. You Say Goodbye

They entered the hospital, and there he was. There was not even a period of waiting, of wondering when he was going to come around the corner. She would have wondered if he had ever left,if his clothes had not changed. His wife was not with him, peering over his shoulder and wondering what the heck was going on. She wondered if he had told her, or if they were all going walk on egg shells until she found out.

Meredith froze in the lobby, and George looked back at her. She had two choices. The first was to board the elevator, have him follow her on and talk at her the entire ride. The second was to go up the stairs, have him follow her and attempt to trap her in the stairwell.

At least on the elevator there would be other people. She followed George in, and just as she expected Derek slid in behind her. She attempted to maneuver herself through the bodies already crowding the elevator to get to the back, but somehow he slid behind her.

"Meredith," he hissed in her ear. "We need to talk."

She stared at the elevator door, mirroring him back at her, trying to pretend that she couldn't hear him. Second floor.

"I know, I've screwed things up. I want to fix it. Tell me how I can fix it."

Tell him? She had told him. She told him months ago. This was no longer her decision to make. She did not want to tell him that, because she was afraid that if she opened her mouth she would tell him how much she loved him and forgive him. That was not an acceptable course of action.

"Meredith, please, answer me."

Third floor.

She shifted uncomfortably, aware that everyone on the crowded elevator was watching them, aware that Derek was watching her. She had almost been pushed into answering him when the doors opened on the fourth floor. She rushed out and was in the locker room before he could get to her.

"What was that about?" George asked, catching up to her by her locker.

"Nothing," she replied flatly. "Absolutely nothing."

The locker room was strangely quiet before Bailey entered, with George, Meredith, Alex and Cristina all to aware of the one who was missing. Alex had been taken away from Addison, since their little pack was down one. Izzie. Izzie who was lying at home, alone. It made Meredith angry, angry at the horrible turn their worlds had taken the night before.

When Bailey came in she stood in the doorway, surveying them. "All right. Yang, you're with Montgomary-Shepard; Karev, Dr. Torres needs someone; O'Malley, you're going to assist Dr. Hahn who has agreed to help us out while Dr. Burke is out; Grey, Shepard requested you."

This was going to be fun.

He was waiting outside the locker room with a chart for her.

"I didn't pick you because of last night," he offered first. "I want you on this case."

Meredith leafed through the chart, ignoring him; he sighed and then asked, "Are you ever going to speak to me again?"

"No," she said sharply, and then turned to him. "Okay? You want to talk, let's talk. But not here, in the hall." She stormed off towards a conference room and he followed her, mutely.

"Okay," she said, as he closed the door. "Talk. No actually, I'll talk. Here it goes. This thing we're doing? It's you. You chose Addison, but you want me on the side? Not happening. I am not going to be your mistress Derek, and if you love me like you say you do then you won't expect me to.

"So, basically, we're back where we were months ago. You have a choice to make. I've made my choice, but I will not be a pathetic mistress while you pretend nothing is wrong in your marriage. I also won't do that to your wife, she deserves closure Derek. Whether it be with you, or without you.

"I wish I could tell you that I'm walking away, right here, right now. But I can't. Because I tried that, and last night happened. Last night happened, and everything we've tried for the past four months fell apart. So, the ball's in your court now." She stopped and took a breath, watching his face.

He had known, it seemed; what she would say. He nodded, apparently taking her words as confirmation of something. "Okay."

"Okay. So, you wanted me on this case, why?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah. The case. Reggie Fernandez has been a patient of mine for a while. Not for surgery, but for neurology. I have a fellowship in disabilities relating to brain function." He paused, as if waiting for a response from her, but she was pointedly staring away from him. "Anyway, Reggie is ten years old and he is blind. The oxygen that he was given at birth blinded him, but it also caused brain damage resulting in abilities far beyond normal in the areas of math and music, his memorization skills are incredible. Social skills, not so much."

"He's a savant?" Meredith asked, glancing down at the chart.

"Yes. Now, I know I'm always telling interns that there is a lot to the brain that we don't know about. Reggie is case-in-point of this."

"Why is he here?"

"He fell, resulting in a subdural hematoma. I'm monitoring him, and it seems to be holding steady, however I am worried about it increasing in size, any larger and I'm going to operate. I need another CT scan. But first I want you to meet Reggie."

Meredith nodded, following him out of the conference room, willing herself to turn into Dr. Grey and to stop being Meredith, the girl who was hopelessly and maddeningly in love with the man in front of her.

They went to a private room at the end of the hall, and Derek knocked on it, gently. "Reggie? Mrs. Fernandez? This is Dr. Grey, she'll be helping me monitor the injury," he said, as they went in.

Reggie was a small boy, latino, with squinted eyes that showed his blindness. He smiled, his hands flapping in front of his face. His mother sat in a chair nearby, she was maybe thirty, with lines etched around her eyes, but she smiled warmly at Derek.

"Good afternoon, Dr. Shepard. Reg, Dr. Shepard brought another doctor to see you."

"Hello, Reggie," Meredith said, and he turned to her voice.

"Reggie Fernandez. Ten years old," he said, loudly. "Beethoven's ninth symphony in D-minor. Last symphony he composed. 1824."

"Wow, I never knew that," Meredith said casually, and the boy's smile widened. Meredith looked up to see that Derek was smiling at her too.

"Okay, Mrs. Fernandez, we're going to do another scan to see how the bleeding is doing. As I told you earlier, I hope that it will heal itself, but if it doesn't I will have to go in surgically to remove the clot. Dr. Grey will take Reggie to the scan, okay?"

"Dr. Shepard. Dr. Derek Shepard MD, born July 19th 1967, Wednesday."

"That's right."

Meredith glanced at Derek, and then back at the boy, who was again flapping his hands in front of his face in excitement. "Hey, I didn't even know Dr. Shepard's birthday!" she exclaimed and he laughed.

"Dr. Grey. What's your birthday?" he asked.

"May 23rd, 1978," she said, as she fixed the bed so that she could wheel it to the elevator.

"Tuesday."

"That's right," she said, in awe.

"All right. Dr. Grey, give me the results of the scan as soon as possible. I'll talk to you as soon as we know anything, Mrs. Fernandez."

The woman nodded and Derek left the room, looking at Meredith quickly, but she busied herself with Reggie's bed.

"Okay, Reggie, I'm going to take you on a ride now, to the CT scan. You've done this before, okay? Nothing scary."

Mrs. Fernandez stood and kissed the boy on the forehead. "I'll be right here when you get back, chico."

Meredith smiled reassuringly at her. "Okay, your bed's going to move now."

"All right. Are you pushing it?"

"Yes, I am."

He was quiet as they wheeled down the hall, except for making the occasional clicking noise with his tongue.

"You okay?" she asked, as she wheeled the bed onto the elevator.

"Fur Elise Beethoven 1810."

"You like Beethoven, Reggie?" He didn't answer and Meredith thought back to something else that Derek had told her. "Do you play Fur Elise?"

"Yes. I can do that." His fingers began to move in the air as if he were playing a piano. "There's no music here," he commented, sadly, and his hands lay suddenly still.

"No kidding," Meredith sighed. They got to the scan, and for once they weren't backed up. "Okay, Reggie. We're going to try doing this with you awake first. The nurse and I are going to put you on the table, and then I need you to be very still. Can you do that? Can you pretend to be sleeping?"

"I can," he replied, his right hand flapping. "Dr. Grey. Dr. Grey."

"Dr. Meredith Grey," she said, taking his hand. "Okay, now is the time to be still and quiet, okay? Just for a few minutes."

"Dr. Meredith Grey. May 23rd 1978, Tuesday. I can. I can." She gently helped shift him to the table and pushed the button to start the CT scan.

In the anteroom where the technician was she sat back to watch the scan. The child remained surprisingly still. When the hematoma came on screen she sucked in a breath. The poor kid. It looked surgical to her, now.

"Page Dr. Shepard," she said, going to the microphone. "Reggie? You're doing very well. I'm going to have Dr. Shepard look, okay?"

"You are," was the simple reply. She smiled and then Derek appeared in the room.

"Crap," he swore, as soon as he saw the screen. "Go book an OR." He paused, glancing up at Meredith. "Actually, don't. I'll do it. He responds well to you."

She nodded, not meeting his eyes

"You'll scrub in, of course," he added, and she nodded again, still not meeting his eyes. "Meredith--."

To avoid a confrontation, she reached in front of him and pushed the microphone on. "Reggie? I'm going to come in and get you now, okay?"

"Come."

Meredith chanced one look at Derek and was vaguely satisfied to see that he looked hurt, before she hurried over to retrieve Reggie. Good. Let him be hurt, because she was hurt. Hurt was definitely happening all over the place.

She announced her presence in the room as Reggie was coming out of the machine. "Back onto your bed now, Reggie," she said.

"The Beatles play Yellow Submarine."

"I like the Beatles," Meredith commented. "My mother had some of their albums and I'd borrow them when she wasn't looking. Do you play them to?"

"I can." Again he moved his fingers as if playing a piano. "No music here."

"No… But you know what? We can get some music in your room. Would you like that?"

"Would you like that?" he repeated, with a large smile on his face.

Five minutes later, Meredith had returned Reggie to his room and was stealing a CD player out of an OR. She grabbed a Beatles CD from a stockpile placed by for the surgeons and was plugging it in when Derek entered the room.

"What's this?" he asked, seeing her crouched by the bedside table attempting not to electrocute herself.

"Music," she explained, switching it on and lowering the volume so that Reggie could hear it, but Derek could talk. The boy lit up when the first song came on, but Meredith blanched. "Love Me Do".

Derek obviously also noticed the highly inconvenient and yet somehow appropriate song choice, because he looked at her. She pointedly looked away and tried to ignore the fact that the words "_I'll always be true"_ were swimming around them.

"Mrs. Fernandez, the hematoma has increased, and as I told you earlier, this means that we'll have to operate to remove the clot."

The woman reached out and grasped her son's hand. "Will he be all right?" she asked.

"I won't lie to you," Derek said, and Meredith almost, almost snorted. At least he didn't lie to patients. "It is a risky surgery. But I'll do my best for him. Let Dr. Grey know if you have any questions."

He left the room, perhaps more quickly than normal. "_I'll send it along with love from me to you."_

Meredith began the pre-op exam, commentating it for Reggie, who seemed unaware that she was touching him as he moved his head and hands to the music. She glanced over at the child's mother who was staring at her son's face.

"Will he be all right?" she asked, looking up at Meredith.

"Dr. Shepard…. He's the best there is. He—we'll do everything we can for Reggie."

She nodded.

"Okay, I'm going to send a nurse in with the consent form, and then we'll take him in about half an hour. Sorry it's so quick, but we need to operate as soon as possible to give him all the chances that we can."

She nodded again, curtly and turned back to Reggie who was starting to hum along to "Can't Buy Me Love".

Meredith rounded on Derek's other patients quickly and then went to the scrub room. Reggie had been wheeled in, and she thought there was a frightened look on his face. She went in quickly before the mask was administered.

"Reggie? Do you know who I am?" she said, getting close so that he could clearly hear her voice.

"Dr. Grey. Dr. Meredith Grey. May 23rd, 1978. Tuesday."

"That's right. Can you squeeze my hand?" he did so and she smiled. "Okay. this doctor is going to put something on your mouth and I want you to breathe it in, okay? Then you are going to go to sleep. Is that all right?"

"All right. All right." She wasn't sure if he was just echoing her or not, but he allowed the anesthesiologist to lower the mask down over his face and she held his hand until his grip slackened. She stood up and backed away as Derek stepped up to the head of the bed.

"Good job," he commented, smiling at her.

She shrugged. "You just have to be patient with him. I am very patient these days."

"You are," he agreed. "All right people, it's a beautiful day to save lives. Let's have some fun."

She almost rolled her eyes at his catchphrase, but she did not, because for some reason it reassured her. He began to cut and she watched as he cut and opened the skull flap. His fingers moved delicately, and for just a second she remembered feeling them against her skin the night before, and she shivered. Quickly she attempted to bring her mind back to surgery.

The beginnings of the surgery were familiar to her, she had scrubbed in on these before, but it never ceased to amaze her, seeing someone's brain exposed like that on the table. She stood as close to Derek as was permissible looking over his shoulder as he began shifting tissue to find the bleed. She preferred it up here, not looking at the patient's face as he operated. It helped with the separation of life and operating.

"Got it," he said, after the operation had gone on for a while. "Dr. Grey? If you would step up, I'll let you pull out the clot before we stop the bleeding."

Meredith was startled, but she obeyed. Derek stepped back a little, allowing her to step up to the scope and positioning her hand on the instruments.

"Okay, hold it tightly," he said, his hand overlapping hers. "Now pull up, exactly at the angle I've positioned it. Good. Go as slowly as you feel you have to. We have all the time you need." His voice was calming, and she watched through the scope as her hands obeyed him. Slowly, not wanting to risk jerking and losing the grip or damaging the brain in some other way, she pulled out the clot and placed it in a waiting basin held by a nurse. Derek moved in quickly to stop the bleeding, but he flashed her a smile as she stepped back into her other place.

She found that she was smiling too, amazed at what she had just done. Derek replaced the bone skull flap and was sewing the incision closed with his usual precision when the monitors began to beep, shattering the silence that had been in the room. Meredith stopped smiling and froze where she was standing as she watched the numbers on the heart monitors deplete.

A/N Review please. I'll be updating In My Daughter's Eyes tomorrow or the next day!


	3. Very Strange

She stood there. She was a doctor, those beepings were supposed to send her into instant motion, but she literally could move.

"Meredith! He's coding! Run a code!" Somehow his voice gets through to her, and only his, and she grabs the paddles from a nurse and places them on the boy's exposed chest.

"Charge to 100. Clear!" There was no response. "Charge to 200," she demanded, feeling the seconds tick away. "Clear!" Still nothing.

"55 seconds."

"Charge to 300. Hurry! Clear!"

Nothing. The beeping continued, filling her brain. The words _Call it, call it,_ were echoing in her brain, but she turned her head to look at the sleeping child. No, not sleeping. No longer sleeping, and all she could do was walk into the scrub room and was her hands so hard that it hurt. Her cut from the night before stung as the band-aid was ripped off by her scrubbing and she did not care. She didn't look up, could not watch them cover his face, or Derek, still closing the incision.

He came into the room minutes later, and she was still scrubbing her hands raw. He gently pulled her away from the sink and handed her a wad of paper towels. Numbly she dried her hand and dabbed at her stinging cut.

"What happened?" he asked, coming over to her and grasping her hand. The cut was raw and red, bleeding again.

"Glass," she murmured, as she had the night before, with George.

"Come on," he said, pulling her to the door. They went into an exam room and he grabbed a suture kit. "This won't come off next time you scrub in," He opened it and dabbed antiseptic on the cut, then numbed her palms so that he could stitch it.

She was barely aware when the needle came in and he began sewing her up, her mind was still in the OR, still with the boy that had just died on the table. She had removed the clot, and then he had died. A kid with so much life. She normally was not like this, she was not Izzie, she knew that bad things sometimes happened even to the best patients, but she had removed the clot. And he had died.

After Derek tied up the stitches he threw away the kit and she felt him sit up on the table beside her.

"It wasn't your fault," he murmured quietly. "You pulled it out perfectly. You know as well as I do, some people just die on the table, for no reason. It's not fair, and it's not right. But it happens."

"I know…. He just…. He was so different, so amazing. It just…."

"Doesn't make sense? No, it doesn't. It seems like he had so much to give. But who are we to judge?"

She shrugged, and before she knew it she had laid her head against his shoulder. She smelled his cologne and she just wanted to sit there, he put his arm around her comfortingly and she breathed. Then, to her disappointment, her common sense clicked in and she pulled away, sliding off of the table.

"We… we should go tell…." The words were lost to her. She did not want to be there to break the news to this child's mother that he had not survived, but she was an intern. She had to prove that she could handle these things.

"Meredith, you don't have to come-."

"No. I do. So let's go. Get it over with." She went to the door, and heard him follow. He took the led as they went to the, otherwise empty, surgical waiting room, and pulled a chair up near Mrs. Fernandez. The woman could sense, Meredith knew, from his demeanor that good news was not coming and Meredith watched the horror come onto her features. And then, she could not watch any more.

"Mrs. Fernandez? I'm sorry, but Reggie did not make it through the surgery. His heart gave out at the end."

Meredith listened to Derek comfort the woman with half an ear, unable to really concentrate. When they left the room together he seemed to be waiting for her to speak. So she didn't. Eventually, he did.

"I'm going to talk to her," he murmured. "Tonight. We're both off. I think she senses— I'm going to a hotel."

Meredith turned. "Don't tell me. Just do it."

He nodded. "Okay."

As Meredith walked past him to the elevator to round on his patients she felt like all she really needed at that moment was a drink.

Hours later, her shift was finally over. Derek was long gone, and she hoped, talking to Addison. That wasn't enough, she knew. Once he had finally figured out what he wanted he would have to make good on it. They had things to work out: even if he decided that he wanted to work them out.

Meredith did not want to go home; she did not want to be there for Izzie, because she could not be there for herself. So she got in the car with George, but drove to Joe's.

"Take the car," she told him, not pulling the keys out of the ignition when she got out. "I'll take a cab."

She did not wait for his response, because she knew he would try to talk her out of this and probably succeed. She was not surprised when George followed her in, not really.

"Tequilla, Joe," she said, sliding onto a bar stool.

"Meredith, come on. Come home, Izzie needs us."

"Izzie has Alex, George. She may need us, but we need to give her distance. Trust me, Izzie doesn't like suffocation."

"Your way of giving her distance is getting drunk?"

"George. Please. Shut up. You don't know--."

"Don't I? What if I do know that you and Shepherd had sex last night?"

She whirled on him, as Cristina came into the bar. "How the hell did you find out about that?"

"Callie," he said, simply. "She's worried about you. She thinks he's a jackass, because he is. He's not going to leave her, Meredith."

"Yes he is. And when he does, I'm not running to him like a lovesick idiot, George. But I love him. So it hurts not to run to him. And for just a little while, I don't want to hurt. Okay? So leave me alone."

She spun back around on the stool to down the shot Joe had placed in front of her. She heard George stomp away, but also distinctly heard him hiss at Cristina to "keep an eye on her".

Cristina sat down on the stool next to her and ordered a beer from him, but did not say anything to Meredith.

"How's Burke?" Meredith asked, taking a second shot and attempting to prove that she was not completely self-centered.

Cristina popped a peanut into her mouth and chewed for a minute before answering. "Okay. He's asleep, but I think… I think he'll be all right. He's strong."

"He's Burke," Meredith said in agreement. "How are you?"

"Fine. I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be fine?"

"Hookay. You are _so_ not fine. Because you sound like me when I say I'm fine. And I lie."

"Have you eaten anything today?" Cristina asked, attempting to change the subject.

"Maybe. Maybe not. Whatever. Seriously, Cristina, this can't be easy for you," Meredith said. Taking another shot. "I mean, seeing Burke like that. When he's usually so… Burke."

"Yeah. No. It's not. Easy. He tries to protect me, like he sent me for coffee when he knew Shepard was coming in, just so I wouldn't hear what he said."

Meredith stared at her row of shot glasses at the mention of Derek's name, but attempted to focus on Cristina. "So you swiped the chart?"

"Of course. I mean, I wasn't going to be left in the dark!"

"Which is why it wasn't there when I was rounding. So what'd it say?"

Cristina sipped at her beer before answering, Meredith cracked open a peanut tactfully. "It said that it was too early to determine the cause or duration of the tremors, that hopefully physical therapy can help. He said that there may be other, surgical, options, but it's too soon to tell."

Meredith nodded and thought for a moment, attempting to sort out her thoughts. "Well. You have two options: One, you can help him through this and attempt to be optimistic, which I know is not your strong point, or two, you can be the all-mighty voice of doom'n'gloom and attempt to make him accept his reality. Now I know under normal circumstances you might choose two, but, you know, optimism could be fun."

"Ah, yes, drunken Meredith logic," Joe said, coming over with the tequila bottle. "All too often, and strangely, right."

"Shut up, Joe, I'm not drunk. Not yet anyway." She turned to Cristina. "But I'm still right. Probably. I'm good with other people's problems. Not usually my own." She sighed and downed the shot, watching two guys, nurses, play darts in the corner.

They did not speak for a while, a long while, until Cristina watched Meredith stare at another empty shot glass and asked quietly, "Mer? Has something happened with your mother, or something?"

"Huh?" Meredith asked, startled. "No, Mom's fine. The program Der- that she got in, it seems to be helping. She knew who I was last time, told me that I had to make sure I scrubbed in on as many different types of surgeries as possible and not focus this early. Why/" She said all of this very fast, as it came to her.

Cristina looked startled at the unusual out pouring of information. "Nothing I was just thinking, you're acting like something's really wrong."

"No. Nothing. Nothing but the usual. The same fucking usual that's always going wrong with dysfunctional me."

Cristina shrugged and they did not talk for another while, until Meredith let the music playing in the bar and the sounds of the other customers wash over her. And then London Calling started playing. The song that had been playing the last time she was in Derek's car. The Clash. His favorite band. Damn it, she was thinking about him. She took another shot. It was a fun drinking game really. Take a shot every time she thought of Derek.

Cristina eyed her warily. "Meredith, you really-." Meredith glared at her and she shut her mouth until Joe started to pour another shot. "No, okay, not shutting up. Meredith, you seriously don't need that."

"Yeah? You don't think so? I beg to differ. I need it, I need it because my love life is completely screwed up, and even if things go the way I want them it's going to be forever before I can be remotely happy! A patient died on the table today, when I assisted. A sweet patient, a ten-year-old kid who never did anything wrong! And to make matters worse I still can't get fucking 'Yellow Submarine' out of my head! So, yeah, Cristina, I do need this."

"Yeah, okay, that's it," Cristina said, reaching into her wallet and throwing a wad of cash on to the bar. "We're taking you home." She grabbed Meredith's arm, pulling her off of the bar stool.

"Get off of me!" Meredith called in shock, trying to wrangle her way out of Cristina's grip, dropping her latest empty glass on the bar. "Cristina, what the hell are you doing?"

"Taking you home, before you take some kind of freaky STD home," Cristina answered bluntly, pulling Meredith to the door.

"I wasn't going to pick up a guy!"

"You say that now."

Meredith squirmed, but eventually let herself be dragged to Cristina's car. "This si ridiculous. I'm not a teenager, I know when I've had enough?"

"Oh really? So the nose dive you almost did from the curb back there?"

"Shut up."

Cristina was silent for a minute, as Meredith stared out the window and watched the streetlights go by. "Meredith? If you… you know… need help or…have a problem, there are people."

"I don't have a problem!" Meredith exclaimed, wondering vaguely how much it would hurt to get out of the car right now. Cristina gave her a skeptical look. "I don't! I just like to forget, for just a little while. An' I haven't forgotten, so really, you should take me back to Joe's!"

"Yeah, or not." Cristina replied.

Meredith sat in silence, wishing she hadn't ever crossed the line and made friends. Why had she thought that changing her lifestyle and becoming a surgeon had been a good idea?

She mutely glared at Cristina until they were five minutes away from her house, but when she did not respond she went back to staring out the window trying to make her mind drift away from gorgeous smiles and exam room sex. Trying. Trying.

Cristina let her out of the car and Meredith glared at her, storming up the stairs, grasping onto the handrail, determined not to give Cristina any excuse to point out how drunk she really was. She pulled out her keys, but George had obviously been waiting, and he opened the door for her.

"Thanks," she muttered, pushing past him and going straight inside. Izzie was no where to be seen, and Meredith headed for the stairs. Cristina came in behind her and started talking to George, but Meredith did not listen, she just went up to her room and slammed the door.

They were treating her like a teenager. A fucking sixteen-year-old. She wasn't sixteen, for God's sake, she was twenty-eight! She could drink herself into a stupor if she wanted to. Did they think that just because they were her friends that they could turn into her parents?

She flopped onto the bed, as a headache started in her temples. Damn them. She couldn't even go downstairs to raid her own liquor cabinet, because they'd be there, attempting to yank it away wit their patronizing looks.

She looked out the window. Cristina's car was sitting in the drive way still, obscured from her view, mostly, by a tree.

A tree….

She had a brief memory of being sixteen and being locked in this room by her mother, who had not realized at first how much trouble her daughter could get in after traveling from another state to a city she hadn't lived in since the age of five. The answer to that was plenty, and it wasn't long before Meredith was grounded here just as she had been in Boston

And she had found a way out.

It was stupid, looking back on it. It was stupid. But it worked. She got out and in to the house without her mother ever knowing. She hailed a cab a block away and was back by the time her mother's shift got over.

She was twenty-eight. She did not need to sneak out of her own freaking house. But then she heard George and Cristina's voices coming from downstairs, and she knew. She did not want to deal with this. She wanted to forget, to get away.

She went across the room and locked her door, before opening the window. A part of her, a very large part, the part that was grown up and mature and twenty-eight, knew that this was probably the stupidest thing she had ever done in the history of stupid things she had done. Just short of sleeping with the man who would be her boss. Or sleeping with him again. But she wanted to get away from those stupid things.

So, she slid out of her window and onto the perfectly positioned branch of the tree just under her window. Straddling the branch as a gust of wind blew over her she had a suddenly sober moment that told her to climb back in the damn window and curl up on her bed to sleep. Then she found herself slipping to the next branch.

Okay, she could do this. She looked for her next position, spotting a thick branch about three feet down, she swung her leg over so she was sitting on her current branch and began to slide.

And she fell. Straight down.

_Yeah, okay, stupid really describes me now,_ she thought the second before she hit the ground.

A/N Would have updated sooner, but I was out tonight. I Wish I May has been editied, jsut fixed the spelling of Izzie's name and things. In My Daughter's Eyes was updated.


	4. In a Jar by the Door

She cried out as she fell, landing with one leg crumpled under her. Instinctively she pushed up to save her head from taking the brunt of the blow, but the pain in her leg told her that she was badly hurt. Falling out of a tree was strangely sobering, she realized as she assessed her situation. Before she could think or do anything she heard the front door open. Someone had, at least, heard her fall.

"Meredith? What the hell happened?" Cristina asked, as she ran over to her, followed by George, and to Meredith's surprise, Izzie.

Meredith gritted her teeth against the pain trying to find the words without making herself sound stupid. It wasn't going to happen. "I fell. Out of the tree."

The other three stared at her in disbelief, but Izzie was the first to snap into action, she knelt by Meredith, examining her leg and grimacing. "George, call the gurney patrol. Meredith, don't move. You could have spinal injuries."

"I know," Meredith murmured, blinking to keep tears from streaming down her face.

Cristina knelt by her, grasping her hand, to Meredith's surprise. "You're not about to tell me how stupid I am?" Meredith asked, unable to meet her friend's eyes.

"Mer, you know that," Cristina murmured. "I'm not going to rub it in. Never does any good."

"Thank you."

A spasm of pain washed over her and she couldn't speak, she squeezed Cristina's hand. It seemed like forever before the sirens could be heard in the distance. When they pulled into her driveway George gave them her stats while the paramedics lifted her onto the gurney.

"Fully conscious, with no evidence of head trauma. No significant medical problems," he rattled, as Meredith let out a low moan. The shift had caused her leg to burn with pain.

"What happened, exactly?" one of the paramedics asked, looking from George to Meredith as they loaded her into the ambulance. George got in with her, and Cristina shouted up that she would follow them.

"I fell," Meredith murmured. "Out of a tree."

The paramedics didn't seem phased, but George looked at her with a look of up-most concern. "Mer? Why were you in the tree?" he asked, as the paramedics applied ice to her swelling knee, and bandaged a cut on her wrist.

"I was getting out, without you noticing," she said bluntly, her head swimming. "I did it once, when I was sixteen. It was stupid, really stupid. I wasn't thinking."

"No," George said, grasping her hand, "You weren't."

Neither of them was acknowledging the reason for her need for escape, nor the reason her judgment had been so impaired. They entered the ER through the ambulance bay, and Meredith felt odd, being the patient. Then, to her surprise, there was Bailey, standing over her.

"Twenty-eight year old female, should have known it would be one of you geniuses," she said. "As if you haven't been causingmeenough trouble. All right, Grey, what'd you do?"

"She fell out of a tree," the paramedic offered, smirking.

"Thanks," Meredith shot at him, feeling rather like she had been brought up in front of the principal.

"You did _what_?" Bailey asked her eyebrows rising; as they wheeled her inside.

"Fell out of a tree…." Meredith repeated, sheepishly, grimacing in pain.

Bailey stared at her in disbelief, and then shook her head. "Turned into a stalker, have you Grey? All right, labs and x-ray. CT scan. Anything else you want to tell me?"

Meredith bit her lip. "My blood-alcohol level might be a little bit high," she offered, and Bailey shook her head again, and then spoke to the nurses and interns surrounding them.

After handing Meredith's chart off to an ER intern, she turned back to Meredith. "Fluids, then. All right, we'll take care of you, Grey. I should call a psych consult," she added as an after-thought and Meredith flinched at the thought of the psych resident, Dr. Prahbu,who did not like her at all. "But I won't, for now anyway. We need you, even if you have decided that you can fly."

George let out a noise that was too close to a laugh for Meredith's taste and she glared at him, his face quickly straightened, as Cristina and Izzie ran into the room.

Meredith was somewhat surprised to see Izzie there, she had thought that even this would not make Izzie enter the hospital again, but she was, apparently, wrong. Cristina came over to the head of the bed and shook her head at Meredith.

"Honestly, Mer, between you and Burke I'll never get out of this place."

Meredith smiled weakly. "That's my goal," she joked, but it came out half-heartedly. An ER resident came in with the portable x-ray so that she would not have to be moved. She once again thought about how odd it was to be the patient, but these thoughts were dissolved when her leg was lifted. She cried out, and bit her lip so hard that it broke the skin.

After that, she was wheeled to the CT scan, with her leg hurting so much that it was difficult to stay still even for the quick scan. Once she was back in the ER blood was taken for her labs from the newly inserted IV. Once all of the tests were done she lay back on the thin ER pillow and grimaced.

Izzie, George and Cristina surrounded her as they waited for Bailey, and she suddenly couldn't bring herself to look at them. She turned her head, and wanted to roll over, but she couldn't move her leg, thus the position that she ended up in was highly uncomfortable. There was tension in the room as they waited in silence.

Suddenly, as if the momentary pause in action were a cue, tears begin to roll down Meredith's cheeks. She hadn't cried from the pain, but the feeling of shame that washed over her in that moment was enough to cause them to fall.

"Meredith? Mer, hun?" Izzie asked gently, putting a hand on her shoulder. "Does it hurt that much?"

Meredith sniffed and shrugged. "It hurts. But I…." She did not want to say it, did not want to seem weak in the midst of everything, and she felt suddenly that she would not deserve their pity. Still, Izzie's hand was there, and comforting, and the words were on the tip of her tongue. "I just feel so stupid. I mean, what was I _thinking_? I wasn't thinking…. I was…."

Her words were cut off by fresh tears. Gently, Izzie turned Meredith's head to face her. "Mer, yeah, it was stupid, but it happened. It happened, and there were obvious consequences. But we'll help you through this. Okay?"

Meredith nodded, swiping at her cheeks with the hand that did not have a needle in it, but then George appeared, and he wiped the tears off with a Kleenex. "Thanks, George," she murmured. "Izzie… thank you. I should be telling you that…."

Izzie's eyes flashed momentarily, but she just squeezed Meredith's shoulder as Bailey bustled back into the room followed by Callie. Meredith winced. It was like a nightmare, in which she was naked in a public place and she kept seeing everyone who she did not want to see.

"Good, they got the IV in," Bailey commented. "You're CT scans are fine, meaning that your skull is as thick as I thought." She paused, and looked more closely at Meredith, who looked away, not wanting her boss to see the tear-stains on her face. "Dr. Torres will take over now, to treat your knee injury. You got lucky, Grey. You know how bad this could have been." Bailey went towards the door and then turned back, "Take care of yourself from now on, okay?" Meredith half-smiled and nodded. Bailey glanced at Izzie. "Stevens?"

"Yes?" Izzie said, calmly.

"You're doing okay?"

Izzie shrugged. "I'm having a hard time. But right now? Meredith's having a harder time." She smiled at Meredith and Bailey left the room.

Callie stared at Meredith for a moment, before smirking. "You fell out of a tree?" she asked.

"Callie," George said, "She knows that." Callie's smirk faded and Meredith watched her look at George who shrugged at her, then she turned back to Meredith.

"Okay then, Bailey's right, you were lucky, you didn't fracture the kneecap, but you tore the cartilage. I'm going to have to go in arthroscopically and fix it. After that, you'll be on crutches for a couple of weeks." She glanced around the room, "I'll need an intern, any of you guys on-call in the morning?" She smiled, "Not you, Meredith, you can't scrub in on your own surgery."

Meredith was surprised by this, she had expected Callie to only be annoyed by her stupidity and still dwelling on the night before, but she wasn't. Meredith smiled back at her, as Cristina spoke up from the corner of the room.

"I am." Everyone looked at her, and she met Meredith's eyes. Meredith smiled. That was Cristina; that was her way of helping.

"Okay then, Yang, you'll scrub in. We'll keep you here for the rest of tonight and tomorrow, Meredith, just to make sure there aren't any other injuries. We'll go in early, at six. I'd go now, but there's a pile-up taking up the ORs, and it'll be better for you to wait a few hours for your system to…" she trailed off. "Settle."

Meredith blanched.

"Okay, I'll have a nurse come in to transfer you."

Callie left, and George's eyes followed her.

"Go on, George," Meredith told him. "I'm not going anywhere. Transport's probably backed up, as always." He nodded and left the room.

"Mer-." Cristina started but Meredith held up a hand.

"It's okay. I'm glad, that you'll be in there. That someone will be." Cristina nodded. Meredith sighed. "I thought I broke it. I'm not lucky. Everyone knows that. It's weird, that I lucked out this time. That's weird, isn't it?"

"Maybe," Izzie said, sitting on the end of the bed, on the side of Meredith's good leg using a wet paper towel to wash the dirt off of Meredith's hands. "Or maybe you're luck is changing."

"Yeah," Cristina said, sliding down the wall to sit on the floor.

"Yeah," Meredith repeated, as the nurse came in to start her transfer.

It was a long night. Meredith was put in a private room, and Cristina went to check on Burke and sleep in an on-call room, since she was on-call at six. Izzie stayed with Meredith, curling up in a chair, and George appeared around three. Meredith tried to sleep, but she could not get comfortable. Every time she closed her eyes she felt herself falling. Her head ached, the calling card of the tequila, reminding her of her immense folly.

Sometime, around four or so, she finally drifted off to sleep, only to be awoken an hour later by a nurse and Cristina came into do the pre-op. George left the room as Meredith was helped to pee in a bedpan, incredibly embarrassing, but necessary so that she would not have to move her leg, and the IV was checked. Her vitals were taken, detailed medical history, and then it was time.

Izzie squeezed Meredith's hand and smiled, but Meredith could see that there was still pain in her eyes. "You'll be fine, Mer. See you later."

"Yeah," Meredith said, suddenly thinking of the child who had died for no reason on the table the day before. "Iz? Thanks again. For…. Everything."

Izzie nodded, and Meredith was wheeled into the hall. George lingered there, and he walked with them to the elevators.

"Enjoy the sleep," he joked. "'Cause I know you haven't gotten enough of it lately."

She smiled, but her mouth was suddenly dry, and she couldn't speak. To her surprise, when they reached the red line, George kissed her on the forehead and then stood back. Cristina smiled at her as they turned, and Alex ran up, dressed in scrubs.

"Hey, Grey," he said. "Saw the x-rays. Nice job."

"Thanks, Alex, I tried."

He laughed and brought his face close to hers. "If Yang and Torres screw this up, tell me. I'll take care of them."

Meredith laughed. "I'll keep that in mind."

"Get a move on, Evil Spawn," Cristina said. "Meredith has to go be operated on."

Alex winked at Meredith and went off. They were almost in the OR when she saw him. She could not deny that her thoughts had been of him during the majority of the time that she had spent lying awake the night before, that a part of her that was much bigger than she wanted to admit wished that he was lying there holding her when her knee throbbed. Still, they weren't ready for that yet. She wanted to take care of this and then take care of them. Not to intermingle the two.

He was coming out of a scrub-room, untying a scrub-cap and their eyes met. His widened and he hurried over, nearly running into a scrub nurse.

"Meredith? What happened?"

"Sorry, Dr. Shepard," Cristina answered, "We have to-."

"No, Cristina, wait." Meredith said, not quite knowing why. Cristina raised an eyebrow, but moved away to let Derek see her.She attempted to sit up and look a little bit more in control."I fell," Meredith said, meeting his eyes. "Out of a tree. I was drunk, and stupid. Think of me as you wish. You needed to hear that from me, though, not through the gossip chain. How you entered the hospital without finding out I don't know, because everyone knows…." She trailed off, thinking of the whispers on the elevator he must have tuned out.

He nodded, and her bed was moving again, into the OR, but then he came closer. "Wait. You need to hear something from me too. I left Addison last night. I know it's not a get-out-of-jail-free thing but…."

"But it's a start," she murmured, as his face came close to hers.

"Yeah. So get through this, so we can work on the rest." And then he kissed her. It wasn't long, but it was enough. She smiled, trying to hide her happiness, but failing. Hope surged within her, and as she was positioned on the OR table, she looked towards the door where he was still standing, watching.

"Okay, Dr. Grey, I'm going to put you to sleep now."

"Okay," Meredith murmured.

"Meredith?" Callie asked, "Can you talk to me about something?" Meredith recognized the technique to make sure a patient was asleep, knew that some doctors even had a file of stories that they had been told and she obeyed, her eyes focused on Derek.

"Um…. I've never had surgery before. Weird, right? 'Cause I'm a surgeon, but the worst thing to ever happen to me was a sprained wrist….Worst...physically...anyway..." The room got slowly fuzzy, and she felt as if her words were the only thing at normal speed while everything else was slowed down, and then she was asleep.

A/N Thanks for all the reviews! They really bring my spirits up! By the way, just read And it All Falls Apart by Morgen86good post-LMR fic

PS. I'm out of town the rest of this week, which shouldn't be a problem because my friend has a Sidekick, but we'll see if I can update from there. Love you all!


	5. We All Live

She awoke in the recovery room, and all she could think about was Derek. She wanted him there with her as she arose from the grogginess. His name was on her lips, but somehow she had the control not to say it.She could not focus on the nurses moving above her, and was aware that her lips hurt.

"Extensive bruising due to intubation," she heard, and it meant something to her, but it wasn't until they were rubbing ice against her lip that she knew that that was the reason they hurt. Numbly she accepted the ice chips into her mouth and swallowed. She shifted a little, feeling the IV in her arm.

"Okay, Meredith, we're going to take you to your room now," a calm voice said above her. Debby.

"Okay," she murmured, her eyes feeling heavy again. The movement jerked her awake, she stared at the ceiling, the lights passing to ceiling tiles and back again. The room was the same as the night before, and Izzie and George were both inside. She was aware of being lifted off of the recovery room gurney and onto the bed, and of the recovery staff leaving.

"Meredith?" Izzie said, coming over to her and pushing the hair off of her forehead. "How are you?"

"Tired," Meredith murmured. She attempted to roll over on her side, but was thwarted. "Ow."

"You have a cast," Izzie explained. "Callie says that she's going to replace it with a lighter splint in three or four days. You can go back to work then."

"Mkay," Meredith said, her eyes closing again. A second later, she opened them. "Hey Iz? Someone should….my mom…. If Derek….he's seen her before, is all."

"Yeah, okay. I think he's still on call. I go see." Izzie said, squeezing Meredith's shoulder and going outside. George took her place next to Meredith.

"You did great," he said.

"Thanks. 'm gonna go back to sleep now."

George smiled. "Okay."

"Okay." Meredith closed her eyes, and with the exception of just before the surgery, fell asleep more quickly than she had in months.

When she next woke up, she was far more coherent. "What time is it?" she asked, looking around. George sat in a chair next to her, and as she looked around she saw Alex on the floor near her door, filling out a chart, with Izzie resting her head on his shoulder.

"Just after one," George told her.

"Dr. Shepard said that he would go see your mother, Mer," Izzie told her. "His shift is over at six, so he'll go tonight. He asked if there was anything specific you wanted him to tell her."

"No. Just that I'm okay, and I'll see her soon. I don't want her to worry, if she's lucid. And even if she's not, she should know."

She felt suddenly weak, and her knee hurt.

"Anything else I can do?" Izzie asked, standing up.

Meredith bit her lip and looked at George and Alex; Izzie took the hint. "Okay, boy penises, out," she commanded, reaching for a pair of crutches that had been resting against the wall.

Alex rolled his eyes, and George shrugged, before they filled out of the room. Izzie expertly unhooked the IV and stopped the flow, before helping Meredith lower her leg with the cast to the floor and balance with the crutches. Slowly, and painfully Meredith made it to the bathroom, still feeling groggy. Izzie helped her maneuver with the cast, and when she was finished she dragged herself back to the bed where she collapsed.

Izzie gently shifted her and covered her up again.

"Damn. It hurts," Meredith commented, in a matter-of-fact tone.

"Do you want something for it? Callie put in an order…."

Meredith shrugged. "Not sure I deserve anything for it."

Izzie frowned and put her hand on her hip. "Okay, Meredith? You made a mistake. You made a mistake and I'd say falling humiliatingly from a tree and having the whole hospital know aboutit is punishment enough. You don't have to punish yourself. And, also, just so you know, I'm not going to let you refuse our help while you go through this. You don't deserve to do this alone, whatever happens. Okay? George and I were out there when Callie came out of surgery, as your family. Dr. Shepard saw you into the OR. I don't know what's going to happen with you two, but don't hurt yourself more. Hurting should not be self-inflicted; it's bad enough when you can't control it."

Meredith lay there, absorbing the longest speech that Izzie had made in the past three days and then she slowly nodded. "Okay," she said. "I guess…. Yeah. Pain stuff would be good."

Izzie nodded. "Okay, I'll go tell the nurse and let the boys back in."

Meredith nodded, burying her face in the pillow. Only George came back in the room and she did not turn to him, only said into the pillow, "George? I think I need help." She was not sure that he heard her, but then she heard him approach, and put his hand on her shoulder.

A while later, Meredith was almost asleep again, George had closed the blinds and was watching something on the TV when a sharp pain jolted her all the way awake. "Ow!" she cried out and George muted the TV.

"Meredith? Are you okay?"

She grimaced and then nodded as the pain subsided. "Yeah. Hey George? Could you get me something? Ice cream or something?" she felt pitiful, but Izzie's speech resonated within her. She was going to take care of herself and let her friends help her. Right now that meant soothing her throat and actually eating something. It was a step in the right direction.

George smiled. "What flavor?"

"Strawberry. Debby stashes it in the back of the freezer." He laughed and nodded, leaving her alone in the room.

She glanced up at the TV screen, some stupid daytime TV show, where a model was gushing on about her latest boyfriend. She pushed herself up a little and winced as the shift made her knee hurt again.

She looked down at her hospital gown, trying to understand exactly how twenty-four hours ago she had been the doctor and now she was the patient. Then, the door opened; expecting George she opened her mouth to ask something like 'Did Debby catch you and chase you in here?', but it was not George.

Addison Shepard stood framed by the light from the hallway, staring at Meredith with a look of up-most contempt.

"Well, well, it's true; Meredith Grey got the shit knocked out of her by a tree."

Meredith stared at the woman, not knowing what to say, or how much Addison knew.

"Sleeping with married men in exam rooms not enough to get you attention now?" Addison asked, stepping closer, "Now you have to parade all over the hospital looking poor and pitiful with your injuries. 'Poor Meredith, she's been so badly treated by that man' Driven to the brink. They don't know the truth, do they, Meredith? They don't know that the hospital's resident whore has gotten her way again. Or should I say, attending whore? There's no discretion with you is there?"

"Addison, I didn't want—I didn't lie to you, you know."

"No, you didn't. I'll give you that. You just waited a couple of days, when I actually had hope. It's disgraceful. He may love you, Meredith, but we both know that all you really are is a slut." She stepped closer again, and Meredith felt for just a second that Addison might slap her, when George came in.

"Dr. Shepard. I couldn't help but overhear what you just said. Meredith isn't a slut, and she didn't mean for any of this to happen. Which, I'm sure, you would know, if you stopped to think about it. However, Meredith is also a patient, and not your patient. I don't think Dr. Torres would appreciate your upsetting her. Please leave."

Addison stared at the, and turned on her heels, her white coat swirling around her reminding Meredith of a witch's cloak.

When the door slammed behind her George opened the ice cream and held it out to her. Meredith took it and half-heartedly dug in the spoon, but it no longer looked appetizing.

"George?" she asked. "Is she right? Tell me the truth."

George sat on the end of the bed and took Meredith's hand. "Meredith? I'm your roommate, and I'm also one of quite a few guys in this city that you have slept with, so perhaps I'm not the best to judge."

Meredith looked away from him, blinking back tears.

"But I, for one, do not think that you are a slut. I think you've had some hard times, but you're definitely not a slut."

"Is there adifferent 'but' there? Or a 'however', maybe?" Meredith asked, glancing at him sidelong.

"Not… exactly. Just that you've had problems that you need to work out, and it's not just Derek. It's the drinking," Meredith stiffened. "And the tendency to bring any guy who shows an interest in you, home. I mean, isn't that how you met Shepard? And if you guys work, I don't think he'd like that happening every time you fight."

Meredith nodded. "Yeah. You're right. It's hard to hear, but you're right."

George smiled at her. "You know we'll help you, whatever happens, right?"

"Yeah. Of course. Izzie told me that, in no uncertain terms."

He stood and sat back in his chair, leaving Meredith to stare at her slowly melting ice cream and wonder how the hell she was going to dig herself out of the hole she'd fallen in.

* * *

She did not expect him to come and see her that night, although she probably should have. Still, it took her by surprise when the door opened and he was standing there. Izzie, who was with her until Cristina came on-call, looked at Meredith. Meredith nodded and Izzie stood up, putting her knitting down on her chair and murmured something about coffee. 

She slid out the door behind Derek and he stepped all the way in the room, closing the door behind him.

"Hey," she said, sitting up and wincing. He came closer to help her, a doctor in every way, he pulled a pillow behind her back and stepped away.

"Hey," he replied. There was silence, which almost became awkward, but then he added, "I went and saw your mother. She thought you were sixteen, and said something about knowing that your little escape route was going to backfire."

Meredith's eyes widened. "She _knew _about that?"

"Yeah, apparently," Derek said, smiling. "So this wasn't the first time you climbed that tree?"

"Unclimbed, actually. And no, I did it several times one summer. Never fell then though. Of course, I was much more graceful and less…." she trailed off. The silence came again. "Thank you, for going to her. Today was my day off and I was going to go see her, like I always do. It's not a regular schedule, but it's every day off and I just didn't want…" Suddenly he put a finger to her lips to stop her rant.

"Meredith? We need to talk." Gently he pushed a lock of hair away from her face and sat on the end of her bed.

"Yeah, we do. You and Addison--."

"Are through. We signed the papers, and she filed them before work this morning. You and Finn…?"

"Also through. He doesn't deserve all of my crap."

Derek smiled, just a little, and Meredith wished that it didn't make her heart soar.

"So, technically, we're both single."

Meredith shook her head and his face fell a little. "You're not. Not yet, until it's finalized. And I… I need time, to put myself back together. I want this, Derek, I want us, but I need to be me again first. The thing is, when I met you, I was just straightening out, and the past few months I've kind of fallen back into the lifestyle I don't like again. So I need to fix myself again before we can work…." She could not look at him; she played with her hospital bracelet, thinking to herself that she would need to ask Izzie where she had put her watch.

Derek gently took her hand into his and entwined his fingers with hers. This gave her the courage that she needed to look up at him.

"Meredith, I want to help you," he said, so sincerely that her breath caught.

"I know," she said, smiling weakly at him, "And that helps. To know, that you're there for me. But I really need to do this myself; I need to know that I can rely on just me. You know?"

"Yeah," he said, softly. "I do know." They were silent again, but it wasn't the kind of silence that could be awkward, they knew each other, it was a comfortable silence. "Meredith?" he asked, finally. "I want you to know something. It wasn't just because of you, that we signed, I mean. Yes, it was partially because of the fact that I'm in love with you," he grinned momentarily, but then turned serious, looking deep into her eyes, "It was because Addison and I just weren't going to work any more. We haven't been working in a long time. I just had to try. That's just who I am."

"I know, Derek. I admire that in you." She put her other hand gently on top of his and smiled.

"I thought it would be easier for you and me to move on, but--." His voice caught and she nodded.

"It wasn't. I know. Addison will be okay, I think," she tried not to think of the Addison who had, mere hours before, slammed into her hospital room to berate her, and instead thought of the classy surgeon that Addison normally was.

"Derek? Did my mother say anything else? I mean, when you told her what happened?"

"Of course. She wanted to come to you, and it took some smooth talking for me to convince her that visiting hours couldn't be altered. It's not true, for minors it's flexible and she thought you were one, but by the time I'd talked her around she was in another time already. She was worried, even if she thought it was inevitable."

Meredith nodded slowly. "Maybe this should have happened when I was sixteen. It would have knocked some sense into me."

And then there were tears. _Damn it, _she thought, and tried to hide it from him, blinking quickly and turning away. With a finger he turned her head to him.

"Meredith, why are you crying?" he asked, cocking his head in a questioning manner that was so him. And he was hers. But she couldn't have him, not yet.

His easy questioning however, his gentle manner, made her lose all semblance of control and she began to sob openly. "I-I-I I've really screwed myself up, Derek," she managed to say through her tears. "And I just want it all to stop."

He slid next to her, scooting in between the rail of the hospital bed and her thin frame, wrapping his arms around her. "Shh…," he murmured, kissing her forehead and wiping away her tears. "You're going to be okay now, I promise. Okay? You'll get through this, and you have so many people who are willing to help you." He spoke as if calming a terrified child, which was how she felt. "You're strong, Mer. A weak person wouldn't be able to balance your career, taking care of your mother and everything else."

She slid down, ignoring the stab of pain that came because of it and rested her head on his chest. "Okay. And you'll be there? When I'm ready?"

"I wouldn't want to be anywhere else," he assured her, stroking her hair.

"I don't feel strong."

"You just had surgery. You are allowed to not feel strong. But you are strong."

She nodded again, and closed her eyes, breathing in his scent, trying to convince herself that he was really there. She stayed like that for a long time, and her breathing evened out. He must have thought that she had fallen asleep, because he kissed her on the cheek and then slowly slid out of the bed just as the door opened and Meredith heard Izzie's footsteps.

"Hi," Izzie said stiffly.

"Hey. She's okay."

"No, she's not." Izzie said in a voice that was quiet and accusatory, and not like the Izzie that Meredith knew. "You hurt her; you hurt her so badly that she ended up here, in surgery. That's not okay, Dr. Shepard!"

Meredith was surprised to hear Izzie speak like that, even if she was right, and she almost opened her eyes to say something, but she didn't.

She heard Derek let out a breath and imagined him running a hand through his hair. "You're right, Izzie, and I know that. I'm going to do everything I can for her. She wants me to stay away though, until she has things figured out. Will you--?"

"Yeah. I'll look out for her."

"Thank you. I'll see you later. Tell her…. Tell her I'll be here when she needs me." The door closed again, and Meredith knew that he was gone. She was annoyed, slightly, that he was asking Izzie to watch her, like she was a child. Then again, she knew that was not really what he was doing. He was just making sure that she would be looked after. He was being Derek. No doubt he had asked Bailey or someone to make sure Addison didn't go crazy. They obviously hadn't done very well.

The lingering effects of the anesthetic coupled with the exhausting effects of her talk with Derek suddenly overwhelmed her and she was truly asleep before she could even reveal to Izzie that she hadn't been asleep.

A/N: So sorry guys! My friend's sidekick hated this site's franes!

Unclimbed is a word. When I used it I kind of wanted it not to be. To be an unword.

Unword however, is not a word.

Right. Review please and ignore my Meredith-like ramblings!


	6. And I Feel Fine

It took until nine o'clock the next morning for her discharge to e processed, and Meredith was sitting on the end of the bed, dressed in jeans (which barely fit over her cast), a t-shirt and a denim jacket, when Olivia finally came in with the papers all signed. George was driving her home, and she was more than ready to leave the hospital for a few days. Maybe by the time that she was able to return, in three days, the whispers would have died down.

"Meredith, the chief wants to see you before you leave," Olivia said, as she helped Meredith maneuver into the wheelchair that George was holding steady. Meredith looked up at her incredulously, but the nurse just shrugged. "Sorry, but he said that it was urgent. George can take you up to his office and then you can leave from there."

Meredith took the crutches that Olivia held out and looked up at George, "You heard her then, drive." George laughed and Meredith attempted a weak smile, but her hands were suddenly shaking. She had the worst feeling that the chief was going to toss her out of the program. She had been one of the ones to cause trouble the week before, and then she had accused him (rightly, but still) of breaking up her parent's marriage. All she could think was that her actions recently might have even more dire consequences than they already had.

She had George park the wheelchair in front of the chief's office, and she pulled herself up on the crutches, clumsily going into the outer office, where Patricia glanced up at her from the desk and waved her in, silently. Still feeling very uneasy, Meredith made her way slowly to Dr. Webber's inner-office, determined not to fall, but coming close as she opened the cracked door all of the way.

She was surprised to see that Chief Webber was not the only one in his office waiting for her. His wife, Adele, stood just off to the side, watching as Meredith struggled with the crutches.

"For Pete's sake, Richard, help the girl out!" she chastised, and Meredith almost put up a hand before realizing that this would cause her to fall.

"No, that's okay, I got it." She positioned herself in front of a chair and slid down, propping her cast up in the chair beside it. "There. I'm good."

"Liar," Adele blurted out, and Meredith looked up at her, startled.

"Adele, please, let me," the Chief murmured, and Meredith turned back to him, now feeling somewhat suspicious. Surely the chief didn't need his wife around when he fired someone.

"Meredith, I have had three people talk to me about you in the past two days," he began, leaning forward and holding her gaze steadily. He then sat there quietly and it occurred to her that he wanted a response.

"Oh?" she said the soft sound the only noise that she could produce as her throat constricted. Whatever this was, it could not be good.

"Preston Burke mentioned it when I went to check on him yesterday, having been spoken to by both O'Malley and Yang; Miranda Bailey came in as soon as you were brought in the other night and Derek Shepard accosted me before I could leave last night." Meredith lowered her eyes, staring at her hands, at the bruise on her wrist from the IV. "The three of them came to me because they know; they know that when I was younger I had a drinking problem."

Meredith's head snapped up. She was torn between shock at the chief's admission, annoyance at being talked about like that and a small thought that the affair between the chief and her mother. "Oh, Dr. Webber, I--"

He held up a hand to keep her from speaking. "Quiet for a minute, Grey. Like I said, I had a drinking problem. Now the issue that you are facing may not be as bad as my situation was," here he glanced momentarily at his wife. "But we can't have our interns being...distracted by issues like that. I knew when Bailey first came to me that it would be difficult to get you to accept what I am going to offer, Grey, because you are independent and self-sufficient; however, I also know how highly you value your place in this program."

There it was. Whatever he was about to offer, it was that or get kicked out of the program. Meredith slumped a little in her seat and wished that Derek was there with her to tell her that it would be okay, but she had told him that she needed to straighten herself out on her own, and she would

"Okay," she said slowly. "What is it?"

"I want you to go to an AA meeting with Adele. After I got sober she remained very active in the program, more so than I could be. She can't sponsor you, but she can be a familiar face to help you start out. You're young, and strong, you'll do fine."

"And my other option?" Meredith asked, more to be certain than anything.

The chief raised an eyebrow, "Your other option is to be put on probation and have a negative mark on your file. You are an asset to this program though Grey, I wouldn't suggest--."

Meredith stopped listening to him. She stared at the heavy white cast on her leg, her mind moving in slow motion. She wanted to jump up and proclaim that she did not have a problem, that it had just been an accident and that she was fine. However, what she wanted to do was at least physically impossible, and she knew that it was not what she should do. She remembered all of the men she had slept with after nights of binging, of George's comment about quantity. She remembered wondering herself if one day she was going to get in too deep. If once she might somehow forget about her insistence on condoms, or agree to go to his place and end up in trouble. She was lucky, really, that the eye-opening experience had been a fall and not something to do with one of those men.

"Meredith?" Adele Webber had come to Meredith's side and was crouching by her chair. Meredith turned to her, remembering the woman from when she was younger and Meredith had seen her a few times at get-togethers, she remembered her as a nice woman who always made Meredith laugh as a child. "I know that this is not easy to face. You may feel like we're blowing things completely out of proportion, but I think that on some level you know what is best for you."

She stood back and Meredith rested her head in one hand, feeling everything from the past two days hit her at once. She was still weak from the surgery and the anesthesia, her leg ached. She had fallen from a tree, because she had been too drunk to realize that she wasn't sixteen anymore, and that Cristina and George weren't out to get her. She knew she had a problem, hadn't she told Derek that she wanted to make it all go away? And this was a way to do that. A part of her though, a very loud part, was telling her that she did not need their help, that she could dig herself out of it again. She had done it before.

_Did they come back?... Well then it didn't work._ Words that she had heard Bailey tell patients before crept back and she winced. Maybe doing this on her own wasn't such a good idea.

AA. Alcoholics Anonymous. She did not want that label. She did not want to be known for the rest of her life as an alcoholic. But the chief had just said, she was young, if she stopped now she could avoid the label. It was better than being the one who got HIV because she was too drunk to think better of sleeping with some sleaze-ball.

Slowly she raised her head to look at Dr. Webber. She felt vulnerable and see-through as she took a breath to speak. "Okay. I'll do it. It's not worth risking my spot in the program and...And I guess, maybe, I do have a problem." She accepted, although she knew that he would not do this for just any one, and that this would just be something else that she would have to make time for.

Dr. Webber nodded solemnly. "Okay then, I have to go check on a patient, I'll leave you two to talk." He left, leaving Meredith alone with his wife.

"That's the first step, hun," she said comfortingly, "Admitting it. You're doing the right thing, Meredith. It may not feel like it now, but you are."

She put a gentle hand on Meredith's shoulder. "Incidentally, I heard that the Shepards are finalizing their divorce."

Meredith looked up at her, wide-eyed. "Yeah. Wait, you're friends with Addison, aren't you? And you don't, like, hate me?"

Adele shook her head, as Meredith pushed up with one crutch and positioned the other under her arm. "No dear. They tried, and failed. It happens sometimes. Addison knows that, Derek knows that." Meredith stared at her. "Richard and I worked. It's as simple as that."

"We're waiting," Meredith blurted out. "Just so you know, I'm not throwing myself at him or-- We're waiting until things are better, for both of us."

"Smart," Adele said, approvingly. Meredith didn't know why she was seeking her approval, but getting it made her feel better. "The meeting that you're coming to with me is tomorrow, at four, at the YMCA three blocks from here. But then, you're not able to drive, are you?" Meredith shook her head. "In that case, I'll take you. Are you in Ellis's old house?"

"Um, yeah." Meredith said, suddenly uncomfortable at the mention of her mother, the woman who to Adele what Meredith was to Addison. Except that Richard had stayed with Adele. "Okay. So, I'm going to go now."

"All right, I'm sure you're tired." Adele held open the door for her and Meredith went back into the outer-office and then out to George.

He was sitting in the wheelchair, waiting for her, and she laughed at him, the tension that she had felt easing. "George, mine," she said, and he stood to let her get in. She positioned her leg on the outstretched leg-rest.

"You okay?" George asked.

"No. But I think I will be," Meredith told him, honestly, and he began to push the wheelchair towards the elevator.

* * *

Izzie was waiting for them at the house, and she came down the steps to help Meredith in. "It's easier if you lean on a person and the rail to go upstairs," she said, handing George Meredith's crutches. "Less chance of one of the crutches slipping out."

Meredith put an arm around Izzie's shoulder, and followed her advice, dragging her bad leg up after the other one. Izzie was right, this way was easier. George gave her the crutches back inside, and she used them only to get to the couch. 'How'd you know that, Izzie?" she asked, smiling at Izzie. She did not look as well as she had over the past day or so, her eyes were red-rimmed again, and her hair was barely pulled back into a messy ponytail.

Izzie shrugged, "I broke an ankle playing soccer when I was thirteen."

"You play soccer?" George asked, around a mouthful of a muffin that he had gotten from the kitchen. Izzie had been baking again. Meredith took the muffin that George offered her as Izzie nodded, sinking into an armchair.

"I did, in middle school and freshman year of high school. It was something to do." She shrugged and looked away.

"I never played sports," George said. "Dad always tried to make me, because my brothers played football, but Mom made him stop."

"What about you, Mer?" Izzie said, quietly.

"Huh?" Meredith said. She had heard their conversation, but a part of her was not focusing on it. "Oh. No. Well, I swam, but after junior high I didn't do it on a team. My sophomore roommate got me into jogging."

"Mine was into power-walking," Izzie commented. "And scientology, but that's a whole 'nother story."

George sniggered. "My freshman roommate was an engineering major who was on the boxing team. He had a nervous breakdown midway through the second semester."

Meredith, who had been smiling, let the smile fall off of her face. "Fourth year," she murmured.

"What?" Izzie said, turning to her.

"My last year of med school. Mom had just been moved into Roseridge, I was applying for residencies, studying for the boards. You know. Anyway, I had a break down. A janitor found me hyperventilating in a bathroom stall at two AM, in the building where my faculty advisor's office was. I still don't remember how I got there or why I was there. It was December and I was dressed like it was June. The girl that I shared my apartment with said she hadn't seen me since eight when I had left to go visit my advisor, but I never went to his office," she shrugged. "I wasn't drinking, or anything. I just... lost it."

George and Izzie looked at her, seriously. "I nearly broke down," George admitted. "The night before the first board exam. I thought seriously about running away and becoming a cab driver, until I realized that I would probably kill more people that way than being a doctor."

"No one ever thought I could do it," Izzie said, quietly. "And so I did it. A lot of my life has been like that."

"I know the feeling," Meredith said earnestly.

"Yeah," George agreed. "If you're okay, Mer, I'm going to go buy groceries."

"Sorry, it was my week, wasn't it?" Meredith said guiltily.

"Don't worry about it," he assured her, grabbing his keys. "I'll be back."

When the door closed behind him, Meredith lay back on a throw pillow and Izzie curled up in her chair. "Meredith?"

"Yeah?" Meredith said, propping her head up so that she could see Izzie.

Izzie bit her lip before blurting out, "I threw out the tequila. I figured..." She trailed off.

Meredith nodded, and lay back again, then shifted so that she was mostly lying on her side, feeling triumphant at the fact that she had not fallen off of the couch in the process. "Thank you, Izzie," she murmured before closing her eyes.

A/N Review please!


	7. How Do You Manage

She was alone when Adele came for her the next day. George was out with Callie, and Alex had shown up just after noon to 'get Izzie the hell out of this house'. It was true, that the only places that Izzie had been lately were the house and the hospital, but it had not even been a week. Still, Izzie had not complained once Meredith assured her that she would be okay, and Meredith was grateful that she would be alone. She had told them that she was going out with someone and they had not asked questions, though she heard them whispering about whether or not Dr. Shepard was on-call.

_Wouldn't they be surprised to see that he was? _She thought as she hobbled over to open the door. She had not told them about the AA, and she did not know why. They had been so helpful, helping her move stuff downstairs for the few days that the stairs would be next to impossible, and making sure that she was comfortable. But she kept the conversation with the chief to herself.

"Hi," she said, once she had managed to open the door.

"Hi there. You look nice," Adele commented, and Meredith blushed. She had not made a conscious effort to dress nicely, but the clothes that Izzie brought down, a skirt and nice shirt, had made it seem that way. Truthfully, the skirt was the easiest thing to put on. She told the woman this much as she slowly made her way down the steps to Adele's car.

"Oh, I understand, dear. It can't be easy to maneuver with that thing. My youngest niece broke her arm last summer, and my sister had so much trouble making sure she kept it out of the water!"

Meredith slid into the car and situated herself as Adele went around to get into the driver's side.

"How's Camille doing?" she asked, quietly.

Adele's lips pursed as she backed out of the driveway. "As well as a teenaged girl stuck in the hospital can be, I suppose. Addison says that there's not much that she can do." Meredith nodded. She had heard, of course, that the girl's prognosis was not good. She should not have mentioned it, but what else did she have to talk to this woman about?

The drive was not very long, and Meredith was struck by the irony of the fact that they were going so close to the hospital. Adele got out and got Meredith's crutches out of the trunk, and as she did Meredith wished that she could slide over to the driver's seat and drive this car back home. By the time she had thought about it though her door was being opened. She got out and positioned herself on the crutches, closing the car door. It was not raining, but it had been earlier, and there were puddles in the ground, making getting through the parking-lot on crutches a chore.

As they got to the door of the Y, Meredith found herself hanging back in front of the ramp. Adele had gone to open the door for her, but she came back when she saw Meredith's reluctance.

"Don't back out on me now girl," she said, coming back to her.

Meredith looked up at the gray sky and wondered how the hell she had ended up here.

"Mrs. Webber?" she said, in a whisper, "Do I have to say that I'm an... that I'm an alcoholic? I'm not good with labels. I was always labeled. 'The good girl turned bad', 'the rebel chick', 'the girl sleeping with the attending'. I don't really want to be 'the alcoholic."

"So don't be," Adele said, simply. "You have a problem and you're working on it. That's the truth. And honey? You can call me Adele."

"Okay," Meredith murmured, and Adele went to open the door again. This time Meredith followed. She was not sure what to expect when Adele led her to the room where the meeting would be held. She had a strange vision of a meeting not unlike the Socratic seminars that she had participated in, in college, where everyone spoke on a topic, and this time it would always be alcoholism.Either that or a bunch of people sitting around playing Jenga, and bragging about how muchless they were shaking.Unbiased, she was not.What she saw in the meeting room that Adele took her to, however, looked more like one of the parties her junior high swim team had had, with people and food everywhere.

She felt eyes looking at her when she came in with Adele, but the looks weren't hostile, they weren't 'Oh my God, what has Grey done now?" looks; they were just curiosity about a new person entering their gathering. An Asian man with thin glasses, dressed as if he came straight from an office, came up to them. "Ah, Adele, this must be Meredith."

"Yeah," Meredith interjected. "That's me." She balanced awkwardly as she held her hand out for him to shake. He was attractive, but he wasn't McDreamy. She attempted to force Derek out of her thoughts, though. That was not what she was here for. Dealing with Derek came next.

"Glad to have you here, I'm Steven Tran, and I'm the leader of this merry band. We'll go ahead and start, if you guys would take a seat."

Adele guided Meredith to a chair in the circle, and pulled another one over for Meredith's cast to rest on. It was becoming another person.She was practically counting down the hours until Callie would take the thing off. She thought about asking if she could smash it, just for the satisfaction, but decided that something like that would merely convince the staff that she was insane.

The other people in the room sat down, and Meredith found herself examining them. They did not fit with her idea of alcoholics, but then again, neither did Dr. Webber. Or herself.

"Let's get started," Steven said, sitting down and smiling at everyone. "Does someone want to speak first?"

A young man, he looked about nineteen, with green hair and a black leather jacket cleared his throat and stood up. "Um... I'm Paul... Yeah. Um. Well, you guys know that my sister Rachel had been doing good. I mean, she was going to her meetings and she was clean... But two nights ago I found her passed out in the bathroom. She had OD'd on heroin."

Meredith watched the young man, he reminded her of a friend that she had once had, a kid named Zach, whose mother never seemed to notice that he and his girlfriend did drugs. Zach had wanted to stop, and had tried to keep Erin clean, but the girl eventually disappeared. No one knew where she had ended up. Meredith had never done drugs, just everything else.

"She's at Seattle Grace now, and they're sending her to rehab. Again."

"How are you doing?" Steven asked him, leaning forward towards the boy.

"I'm... Okay. Better than I was last time she used. I'm being strong for her. I just... I always think she wants to get clean, like I wanted to get sober, but she can never stay clean."

Steven nodded. "Good. We're here for you, Zach, and I'm proud that you've made so much progress."

Zach smiled. "Yeah. Thanks."

Steven nodded, just as the young woman sitting on the other side of Adele burst into tears.

"Gina? What is it?"

She sniffed, wiping her face on a tissue that Adele had produced from her purse. "I... I fell off..." she said softly. Standing up. "Last weekend, my friends and I were celebrating my best friend's promotion. I'd been sober for so long that I thought, what would one glass of wine hurt?" she began to sob again.

"What happened?" Steven asked gently.

"Nothing. My boyfriend came, and he stopped me. He was great. I just felt so stupid, and disgusting. I knew what could happen, but I was sure that I was a different person. It was just one glass." Her sobs started again, and Meredith looked away. She did not really understand what the big deal was, if she had stopped drinking at one glass of wine. Hell, her life wouldn't be anywhere near this screwed up if she could do that.

Her disdain must have shown on her face, because she realized that everyone was looking at her.

"Meredith?" Steven said. "Do you want to tell us your story?"

Meredith swallowed, and reached for the crutches. "Got a year?" she asked, bitterly, sliding her casted leg to the floor.

"You can stay in your chair, dear," Adele told her, gently placing a hand on her shoulder, but Meredith shook her head.

"No. If I have to do this... I'll do it right... I'm Meredith. I'm a surgical intern at Seattle Grace. I have a drinking problem. I guess, I guess I've had it since I was in high school, but I never thought anything about it. Just that when I drank I got drunk. Usually, really drunk. I was your classic bad girl, child of a single parent. My mom was a surgeon... Now... Now she has early onset Alzheimer's. I thought I'd cleaned up my act when I started med school. But... But... I met a guy, when I moved here. Well, it wasn't him, really, it was moving, and putting my mom in a home, and everything.

"When I met him, it got better. I mean, I drank, but it wasn't the 'get drunk and sleep with random guys' drinking that I specialize in. But then I found out that he was married."

Saying all of this was difficult, and she was well aware of the fact that everyone in the room was looking at her, but she focused on the poster on the opposite wall and kept talking.

"He decided to try with his wife, and I... Spiraled. My roommates got worried about the guys I was bringing home. I had a good relationship, but then the guy. Derek. He and I. We had sex. And I was a dirty mistress. But they're divorcing. And I know it sounds awful, but we're right. It sounds like I've just been letting him hurt me, but I've been in those kind of relationships. This isn't it. We just screwed up, and we're working on it. And coming here is my half of the bargain."

She sighed, realizing how pathetic she seemed.

"But my deciding to get...sober... really did not have anything to do with him. I got drunk three nights ago after a patient died. My friends brought me home, because they care, but I got mad I tried to get out of the house by way of a tree. It was stupid. Anyway, I fell, tore the cartilage in my knee. And I'm here." She left out the ultimatum from Dr. Webber, because she had a feeling that she might have ended up here anyway.

"That's quite a story, Meredith," Steven said, as she slowly sat down again. "And I want you to know, we're not here to judge you. Your life is yours, we're just here to help you live it in the best way that you can." She nodded and slid back into her seat. Adele took her hand and squeezed it as Meredith felt that a weight had been lifted off of her.

It was weird, she thought, to know that she was never going to drink again. She would miss, she guessed, being the girl who danced alone with the bottle of tequila, but there were things that were more important than that. Like being happy with herself, and having a good relationship with Derek. She smiled as she thought about him, and remembered the concerned look on his face as she had gone into surgery the other day. He loved her and she loved him. They would make it.

As the meeting ended, she stood up to listen to the prayer of serenity, taking it into her mind and holding on to it. _God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference._

She could not change that Derek had been married. She could not change that her mother had Alzheimer's. But she could fix herself. She could be a great surgeon. As she got into Adele's car she felt peaceful in a way that she had not felt in a long time. She was heading in the right direction.

* * *

She went to meetings for the next two days, chauffeured by Adele. Izzie and George were curious, but they accepted her explanation of 'a thing she had to do'. On the day before she would go to Callie to get the lighter splint, she asked Adele to do her a favor: "Could you take me to my mom? I really wouldn't ask, but Izzie hasn't been driving yet, since Denny, and George is on-call. I just want her to know that I'm okay…." It was more than that though, at the meeting she had found herself talking about her mother, and her childhood. 

"Of course, dear," Adele said, quietly. "Just tell me where to go." Meredith directed her to Roseridge and Adele pulled up in front. "I'll wait here. Ellis was never very pleased to see me," she said, as she helped Meredith with her crutches. Meredith nodded and hobbled in. She was getting seriously tired of the crutches; although they were a great lesson in asking for help.

"Hi, Meredith!" the front nurse said cheerfully. "How are you doing? Your mother said that you were injured, I didn't know--."

"Yeah. I fell. Where is she?"

"Just there, in the sitting room. She has had a good day. Go right on in."

Meredith nodded and made her way to her mother. Ellis did not seem to focus on her as she sat down, and Meredith sighed.

"Hi, Mom. How are you?" There was no response; her mother's eyes were focused just over Meredith's shoulder. "I'm sorry I did not come the other day. Derek explained everything to you, right? I fell out of that old tree, by my window. The one I learned to climb on. I'm okay though, or I will be. I'm taking care of myself. So, you don't have to worry. If you do, worry that is. I'm going to be okay."

Suddenly, her mother reached out and grasped Meredith's hand. She was startled, but she squeezed her mother's hand back. Ellis Grey did not look at her daughter, and Meredith was not sure that her mother had really heard her, but it did not matter. They sat like that for a while, until a nurse gently told Meredith that visiting hours were over, and she remembered Adele alone in the car.

"I'm so sorry," she said, as she got in.

"Not a problem, dear. Not a problem at all."

Meredith sat back in her seat, but was startled as her phone began to vibrate.

"Hello?" she said, without really glancing at the number.

"Hey, Meredith, baby. I'm in town next month, want to get together?"

The voice sent chills down Meredith's spine, and she quickly slammed her phone shut. "Wrong number," she murmured to Adele, sliding her phone back onto her belt, and attempting to keep her hands from shaking.

A/N Review please!

Jenga is also fun with people with bad fine-motor skills. Trust me, I'm one of them.

Meredith-like rant, feel free to skip:

So, um, people have been taken issue with the fact that in this story I portray Meredith as having a drinking problem. Okay, so here's my justification: She probably doesn't, and I handled it that way in I Wish I May. But there is something not normal about sleeping with a new guy every night, and all the other not-good things she does at her age and with her level of maturity in other things.

Also, I did acknowledge that she isn't in too deep, as in she's not necessarily an alcoholic. But she has a problem. And yeah, maybe the chief shouldn't have threatened her, but he cares about her and her mother enough to worry.

As for her being complacent. She's not. She's scared of what could happen if she didn't go with it. Meredith does that. She goes along with things.

I'm not going to pitch the "it's my story" fit, because I understand your concerns. And this is just a short fic in between I Wish I May and it's sequel (not named yet), if you don't like what I'm doing the next one will be up soon!


	8. I Need Somebody

Two weeks after her accident Meredith stood in the scrub-room. She was not even halfway though her forty-eight hour shift; and she was already exhausted. She scrubbed in silently and went into the OR. As a nurse was helping her into her gloves the surgeon performing the surgery came into the OR.

Meredith avoided Addison's gaze as she strolled past, making her way to the table.

"All right, we're doing a basic procedure today, it should be a textbook hysterectomy. Dr. Grey, if you would make the first cut?"

Meredith looked up at her, startled, but accepted the offered scalpel. Addison guided her through the cut in her 'always professional' manner, and then Meredith stepped back. Addison met her eyes for a fraction of a second before going back to the surgery.

The contact between the two of them had been almost nonexistent in the past two weeks, and only once before had Meredith been assigned to one of her cases, the first of which had been non-surgical. She had had several cases with Derek, and he was doing everything she wanted. He was there for her, while keeping his distance. She had been sober for the whole two weeks, and while it was not easy, she was making it.

The meetings helped. The people there did not give her looks as she walked down the hallway, they did not smirk when she was assigned to stitches in the pit for her first week back. They did not shun her when she voiced her wish to have Derek all to herself.

Izzie, George and Cristina were also helping. They didn't know about the AA, but they knew that she was not drinking. On her first day off, Izzie convinced her to go shopping. Two nights ago, Burke, Cristina and George took her to the movies, although watching Cristina and George snap at each other and Burke try to play peacemaker was far more interesting than the film.

Alex, it turned out, was one of the best at cheering her up, seemingly without meaning to. He was at there house a lot, to be with Izzie, and he came in on her more than once sitting in the living room staring morosely at the wall. He did not know all of her problems, like the others did, but he did not have to. He understood.

But she was alone in the OR, with just Addison and the scrub-nurses. She retracted, and cauterized, trying to stay out of Addison's way as much as possible. She sewed up the incision, and she heard a nurse mutter something about her 'recent expertise with sutures', but she ignored it. Their pettiness was there problem, she told herself, willing her mind to believe it.

"Okay, people," Addison said at the end. "We're done here. Take Mrs. Patterson back to her husband."

Meredith wanted to rush to the scrub-room, but that wasn't happening. The knee-brace she now wore would not allow for it. Instead she limped to the door and to the scrub-room, entering it at the same time as Addison. _Perfect,_ she thought, _just perfect._

"Dr. Grey," Addison said, cordially.

Meredith nodded, turning on the faucet. As she scrubbed she noticed the scar that had formed on her palm from the cut she had gotten from the glass in the kitchen. It was a reminder, in a more subtle way than her knee.

"Dr. Grey, I've been meaning to speak with you."

Meredith turned to Addison, actually looking her in the eye for the first time in weeks. There were shadows under her eyes that could not be hidden, and her hair did not seem as perfectly coiffed as it once had, but overall she looked more put together than Meredith.

"Yes?" Meredith said, leaning on the sink for support.

Addison ran a hand through her hair and sighed. "I want to apologize for the way I acted towards you that night. It was uncalled for. You did not make our marriage fall apart, not really. I was too harsh, and O'Malley was right to put me in my place."

Meredith was shocked at first, but then she realized. This was Addison; she was blunt, but not cruel, not like she had been that day. "Um, okay," she said, nodding in a way that reminded her, in the back of her mind, of a bobble-head doll. "Thank you."

Addison turned to leave, but Meredith called after her.

"Dr. Shepard? I am sorry, that it had to happen this way."

Addison turned back, and lowered her eyes. "I know; me too."

Meredith stood there for a few moments, thinking over what had just happened. Addison was right, Meredith was not the sole reason for the end of their marriage, and she was thinking too much of herself if she thought that. It had been falling apart since long before Meredith came into the picture.

Armed with that knowledge she went out onto the OR floor, using all the confidence she processed to hold her head up.

"Grey!" Dr. Bailey called out, "You all right?"

"Yeah," Meredith said. "I'm good."

Bailey eyed her, dubiously, "Okay. Debby's got the charts I need you to do, and then you can scrub in with me on the Richardson kid's surgery at eleven."

"Okay," Meredith said, turning to go towards the nurses' station, attempting to walk as normally as possible. As soon as she turned the corner, however, she fell into a limp and went first to the locker room to retrieve one of the crutches she still had in there. With this support she went down to the cafeteria to get coffee before going to get the charts. She really wanted a cigarette, and she had not smoked since her senior year of college.

Debby piled the charts in front of her on the desk and Meredith stared at them. Coffee, crutch and charts. Two hands. It did not add up. She stared forlornly at her coffee and was about to throw it in the trash can when someone came up behind her.

"Allow me," Derek said, taking the charts. "Where to?"

Meredith smiled at him. "You don't have to. I can manage…. Somehow."

"Yes, that's true, or you could let me help you and you can manage, definitely." She could not really argue with that logic, so she started towards the basement clubhouse where the interns did their charts. "So, how's it going?" he asked, pushing the elevator button.

"Good." She said, balancing to attempt to push her hair out of her face. He reached over and did it for her, and she felt her blood go hot. "I'm doing good; I have to wear the brace for a few more weeks, but Dr. Torres said I should be okay after that."

"Oh?" Derek asked, as they went into the elevator.

"Yeah," she said, taking a breath. "And after that--."

The doors opened again, and Dr. Webber came on. "Ah, hello Shepard. Grey. How're you holding up, Grey?"

"I'm okay," she said, and then bit the inside of her cheek, hoping he would not say anything.

"Steven Tran told me when I saw him last week that you're really making progress at the meetings."

_Shit._

"Yeah. Um…. It's good. Oh, Dr. Shepard, here we are."

She got off of the elevator as fast as she could without falling over her own crutch.

"Meredith? What was Richard talking about?" Derek asked, as he followed her down the hall.

"I… um…." She stopped. "Okay. Relationship equals honesty, right?"

"Right…" he said, looking at her curiously.

"Okay. Come on. I need to sit down, and I'll tell you." She went quickly to the gurneys and pushed herself up on one, pulling her leg up and stretching it out in front of her. Derek stood in front of her, placing the charts within reach.

"Meredith, what is it?"

Meredith bit her lip, and then took his hand. "I'm…. I'm in the AA, Derek. Dr. Webber and Adele, they're helping me. I've been sober since that night. Now I know you like the dancing with the tequila, and the surprise bottles of wine and--."

She was cut off by his lips meeting hers. It was a short kiss, and it was obvious that he was not going to try and go further just then. It was gentle. "Meredith," he murmured. "I'm proud of you."

"Seriously?" she said, relief washing over her and making her weak.

"Seriously," he assured her. "If the AA is going to help you be happy, that's all I care about. I want you to be happy." She raised an eyebrow, thinking of Finn, and he seemed to read her mind. "Okay, I want you to be happy with me. You did say relationship?"

"There we go, and yeah, I did. Not yet. But soon," she said. "Now shoo, I have charts to do if I want to scrub in again today."

He laughed, and kissed her again, before going back to the elevator. She watched him until she could no longer see him, and pulled a chart onto her lap. It was only then that she remembered her coffee, which had gone cold.

She scowled at it and placed it on the floor just as Cristina came around the corner. "You're in the AA?" she said, and Meredith dropped the chart she was holding, it slid to the floor.

"Were you listening?" she asked, incredulously as she attempted to get the chart without falling face first onto the floor. Cristina grabbed it for her and shrugged.

"Not really, these halls echo, you know." She sat on the other gurney and opened her bag of corn-chips.

"Yeah. Well. I am. Is that a problem?"

"No. I told you, there are people to help. I just thought…."

Meredith began filling in a patient's information. "You just thought what?" she asked, still annoyed that Cristina had been eavesdropping on her and Derek.

Cristina shrugged. "I just thought you would have told us. Seriously, I'm doing the supportive-friend thing here; you can at least give me information."

"I didn't want you guys to…. I don't know…. Think that I was taking the easy way out."

"Meredith? Any way out for you right now isn't going to be easy."

Meredith slid off of the gurney and gathered the charts in one arm, leaving her coffee for dead and began to hobble to the elevator.

"Meredith? Meredith, what is it?" Cristina called, and then began to run after her. Tears started coursing down Meredith's cheeks, and she began attempting to move faster, and in doing this she dropped the charts.

She slid down against a vending machine, with papers fluttering to the ground all around her. Cristina knelt next to her.

"Mer? What's up? What'd I say? I'm working on the whole: 'I can never say the right thing' problem."

"It's not you, Cristina. It's just that, you're right. That I'm trying as hard as I can and I'm still hurting. That he's so perfect and I want him, but I know that I need to get myself together first. I've always been impatient," she smirked through her tears.

Cristina sat down next to her. "Well, I'm not Izzie or George, so I'm no good at the comforting thing, but I happen to think that you're doing as well as you can. So I'll help you straighten out these charts and you go doctor. Take the rest as it comes."

Meredith nodded and wiped her eyes. "Okay. Thanks. You're right."

Cristina picked up the charts and helped Meredith to her feet.

"Thanks. And that 'take the rest as it comes' part? I got that from Burke, last week. I told him that he sounded like a fortune cookie."

Meredith snorted back laughter. "If you weren't Cristina I'd hug you right now," she teased.

"But I am Cristina."

"So I won't."

They both laughed and Meredith headed towards the elevator, feeling rather satisfied.

* * *

Hour forty-six found Meredith sitting on the floor outside of a patient's room. The patient had asked to have some time alone with her husband before Meredith took her to pre-op and Meredith had obliged, taking the opportunity to rest. She was not expecting Derek to come and sit next to her.

"Doing okay?" he asked, and she nodded.

"Yeah. I'm managing. I slept. Some. Anyway, it helped."

"No crutch," he noted.

"No crutch," she agreed, smiling.

"So, about that word you used earlier," he said, sipping on cup of coffee.

"What word?" she asked, her heart fluttering.

"Starts with a 're' and ends with a 'lationship'," he teased, and she found herself relaxing despite herself. This was the Derek she knew. This was not the man who she had fought with weeks before, this was her McDreamy.

"Ah, that one," she said, exhaling slowly. "Soon. I want to…. But you're still…." She looked up towards the ceiling and turned back to him. "How about this? We'll date. Like normal people. We were just starting that, remember? Remember the rules discussion?"

He nodded. "Yeah. I do."

"Okay. So, soon, we'll start again. With rules. Rules that mean informing me if you have any other wives, or children, or cows hidden away somewhere."

He laughed. "Sounds like a plan. But Meredith? I don't want to wait forever. I want you, I love you. I want an us."

"Me too," she assured him. "I just need—"

"Time. I know."

At that moment the door opened and the patient's husband came out. Meredith let Derek stand and pull her to her feet before she went in.

That night she left the hospital and did not go straight home, she went to Joe's. She knew that she should not be anywhere near the place, but she had been there before without drinking.

"Meredith?" Joe said. "From what I've heard, you shouldn't be here."

"I'm not," she blurted. "I mean, I am, it's just…. Look I'm standing all the way over here." She stood by the door, leaning against a wall. "I just have to ask you, because you're Joe and you know things. Am I being stupid? To agree to a relationship?"

Joe did not have to ask with who or why, and that was one of the things she loved about him. He knew everything. "I don't think so," he said. "I think that it may be one of the least stupid things that you've done upon leaving my bar, actually, hooking up with Derek Shepard."

Meredith smiled and nodded. "Okay. Good. Thanks Joe."

"Not a problem. But Meredith, the next time? You can pick up a phone or something, don't torture yourself."

"Gotcha," she said, turning to the door. When she turned around the person she saw in front of her made her breath catch in her throat. "Josh," she said, as her heart began to beat frantically in her chest.

A/N Review!

yeah, I know, bad for her to be at Joe's, but the scene just happened there. This story very much just came to me, moreso than I Wish I May...

Speaking of which, this only has a couple more chapters and after that the sequel to I Wish I May will commence. I already have the first couple chapters written :D


	9. Not Just Anybody

Meredith was running, or at least she was attempting to. Running did not come easily with a knee brace, but she was trying. She was aided by the fact that Joe was at least holding her pursuer off, but she knew that he would break away. She stepped onto the grass at the edge of the hospital parking-lot and grimaced, the grass made it even harder for her to move with any speed.

She heard a yell behind her, and she knew that he was gaining on her. _Damn it,_ she thought desperately, nearly falling off the curb and lunging into the parking-lot. His voice rang in her ears.

_'Meredith baby, get a drink with me!' he said, grabbing her arm and steering her towards the bar._

_'No. Josh, I don't drink. Not any more.'_

_'Sure you don't. You expect me to believe that? You're Meredith. Come on, for old time's sake.'_

_'Let go of me!'_

_'Oh, what? Too good for me now that you're a surgeon?' _

_'You know what? Actually, I am too good for you. But not because of my job! Now let me go!' _

_'Oh, please. You liked it Meredith and you liked all the attention you got. I never really hurt you.'_

_'You're hurting me now. Joe!'_

Joe had come over to see what was happening and Meredith had done what came naturally as soon as she was let go. She had fled, just like she had fled as soon as she could after graduating college. She always claimed that it was to get to her mother as soon as possible, but that was not the real reason, it was because she was getting away from Josh. She was digging herself out.

Blood was rushing in her ears, and all she could hear was the uneven sound of her footsteps as her shoes hit the concrete. She was almost to her car when she finally fell. Her leg twisted underneath her and she threw her hands out to catch herself. As soon as she landed she looked back to see Josh vaulting over the grass median.

She wanted to cry out, but she couldn't catch her breath, it was coming too quickly. Her mind was reeling, going backwards in time to over a year before. She could hear him yelling at her; feel his rough hands against her body. Her vision tunneled to focus only on the man who was getting closer and closer to where she had landed on the pavement.

"Meredith?" a female voice reached her conscious, and she reached out for the person who was kneeling next to her, still unable to speak. "Meredith, what is it?"

"What's going on here?" a male voice. It was him, he had caught up. She shrunk away from the man, clutching at the other person who she could not focus on. It was getting even harder to breathe.

"She's hyperventilating. Meredith? Meredith, can you hear me? Did you fall on your leg? Slow deep breaths, Meredith."

"Meredith? Look at me. Meredith? It's me, I'm not going to hurt you. Meredith, look at me. I need you to calm down, and breathe. Can you do that? Slow deep breaths."

The man moved fully into her line of vision, completely blocking Joe's and the grass median from her sight. His voice was calming, his face was familiar. It was not Josh. It was Derek. Slowly her vision cleared and she could focus. She then concentrated on her breathing, willing her lungs to fill with air. He murmured to her, holding her gaze with his eyes, until she was breathing regularly.

"Okay," he said, calmly. "You're going to be all right, tell us what happened."

It was then that Meredith realized that she was clutching onto Addison's jacket. She let go, her hands sliding to her sides, and looked at Addison, chagrinned. Addison smiled at her, and stood up.

"Are you okay here?" she asked Derek, without really looking at him.

"Yeah. I have her."

"Yes. You do."

"Thank you, Addison," Meredith whispered, and Addison nodded.

Derek sat back on his heels. "We'll have to take you inside to get your knee checked." Meredith nodded, noticing for the first time how badly it was hurting. "But first, can you tell me how you got here?"

"I was running." Meredith said; her voice hoarse.

"From what?" Derek asked, gently, lacing her fingers with his.

"Him," she replied, her voice little more than a whisper, and her throat constricting. "He found me here."

"Who did?"

"Josh."

"Who's Josh, Meredith?"

"He…. He…. He was…. He was my boyfriend before I came out here. He….He…." She could not finish. She had never said it aloud.

"Did he hurt you?" Derek said, suddenly forceful and Meredith shrank from him, her back hitting the exhaust pipe of the car behind her. "You can tell me," he added, quietly, and she allowed him to move closer to her.

"Not….not tonight. Joe stopped him. But he came after me."

"But he has hurt you? Before?"

"Yes. Not a lot, or anything. I mean, he didn't beat me. But…."

"But he hurt you. Physically? Emotionally?"

She nodded, miserably, and whispered: "Both" letting her head fall against Derek's chest as she began to cry. He stroked her hair, gently.

"Oh Meredith," he breathed. "I am so, so sorry."

"You see?" she whispered. "That's why I love you so much, you showed me that I could have a healthy relationship, even after that."

"And then I lied," he finished. "Meredith…."

She shook her head, reassuring him through her tears. "You couldn't have known. I didn't tell you about it, after all."

Derek held her closely, and then asked cautiously, "Mer…. He never….?"

"No," she said, sitting up and wiping her face on the back of her sleeve. "I hope that I wouldn't have stuck around at all if he did that."

Suddenly, her leg attacked her with a spasm of pain and she collapsed onto Derek. They had both forgotten where they were, but that combined by a car whizzing past them served as a reminder. He stood up. "I'm going to go get someone."

'No!" she cried out, reaching out for him. "Don't leave me! He could still be here, I--." She began to lose control of her breathing again, and Derek quickly lowered himself.

"Okay," he said soothingly. "Okay, I'm not going anywhere without you." Gently he lifted her into his arms, and she whimpered as her leg throbbed, but she felt safe in his arms. "I'm sorry, if this hurts you."

"S'okay," she murmured, burying her face in his neck. "You've got me."

They went into the hospital, and Derek bypassed the ER, carrying her straight to the elevator and onto the surgical floor. "Page Dr. Torres," he shot at a nurse, taking Meredith into an exam room and laying her down on the bed. As he did her cell-phone went off. Shakily she pulled it out of her pocket and nearly dropped it when she saw the number.

"Is it him?" he asked, taking the phone from her hands. She did not acquiesce, but she knew that it showed on her face.

"Hello?" Derek said, flipping her phone open. He sounded perfectly cheerful, and she watched him, wide-eyed. "Is this Josh? Hi Josh, this is Derek. I'm Meredith's friend. Yeah. Listen, I just wanted to tell you," his voice turned instantly from cheerful to threatening, "That if you come near her again, I will personally make sure that you regret it for the rest of your life. Just something you might want to keep in mind." He snapped the phone shut and put it down next to Meredith, as Callie came in. Meredith saw that his hands were shaking.

Insertlinebreakhere

"You did not totally reverse it," Callie said, two hours later, examining Meredith's x-rays. "But when I said no strenuous physical activity, I meant it. I'm putting you back on the crutches for a week, and then the brace for a month after that. No running on it until then, at least. Got it?"

Meredith nodded meekly. Derek squeezed her hand as Callie started to leave, revealing George rushing down the hall.

"Meredith!" he said as he ducked in. "There you are. What happened?"

Meredith bit her lip, and looked up at Derek, then back at George. "Remember the breakdown I told you about?" she asked him, and he slowly nodded. "I lied when I said I didn't know why it happened. I did. It was the guy I was dating. Josh. He caused it. And he's in Seattle. He was at Joe's."

"Why were you at Joe's?" Cristina asked, coming into the room. "I thought you were sober."

"I am! Stick a needle in my arm and check if you don't believe me," Meredith cried, offended by Cristina's implications. "I had to ask Joe something. I kind of freaked out though….. Well, because he came onto me, so I guess I had a reason to."

"Damn right you did," Derek growled.

She glanced at him warily, before turning back to Cristina and George, "Forgive Dr. McDreamy here, he's feeling a little protective. I'm okay now, though. Sentenced to another week on crutches, so probably back to the pit, but hey, could have been worse."

Cristina's pager went off, and she glanced at it. "911, gotta go. Glad you're okay, Meredith."

George lingered for a minute, watching her. "You're okay now?" he said. "Because I can only take so many Meredith-emergencies in a month. You've reached your quota."

She laughed. "Yeah. I'm done with the emergencies. I hope."

"Okay. I'm going home. I don't want to come back. Please refrain from jumping in front of a moving car, or falling off the top of the Space Needle." He grinned as he said it, and she mock-saluted him.

"Yes sir." He smiled, and left the room, she suspected actually going to find Callie.

Meredith relaxed, looking over at Derek, then sat up, peering at his face. "What? You're not still jealous of George, are you? Because, let me tell you--."

"No. I know there's nothing like that with you two."

"Are you mad at me for not telling you? Because if so, there's some serious hypocrisy going on there."

The edges of his lips twitched, and he shook his head. "No. Nothing like that either. I just hate that you were so hurt. And you're taking it so well; I mean you were joking about it. You amaze me."

Meredith shrugged, drawing her good knee up to her chest. "It's not easy, or anything. I mean, I'm still shaking inside. I can still hear his voice. I just—I have to move on. I have to be strong, for myself. I'm learning how to do that. It's… it's like I had to see him again, to prove to myself that I could handle it. And then you saved me." She paused, wondering if she were really ready for what she was about to say. "I think I maybe ready for the 'r' word. Sooner than I had planned, I mean."

He turned and gently sat on the bed, facing her. "How soon?" he asked, seriously, and she loved him for how unwilling he was to push.

"Well… "She said. "I have tomorrow evening off. I have a meeting at four, but after that," she smiled, "After that we can go out to dinner, like a normal couple. Then, we'll take it from there."

"Okay," he said, smiling. "Sounds good to me."

"Me too," she said, stifling a yawn.

He stood. "Let me take you home," he said. "I'll use your car tomorrow and drive you to your meeting. I won't go in, if you don't want me to, but you probably shouldn't drive if it's still hurting."

She breathed out, and nodded. "Okay."

"Where're your crutches?"

"In my car,' she said, sliding off the bed. "But I can make it to there, probably."

"Or, you know, I can help you and you can make it, definitely. Your choice."

Meredith shook her head, but put her arm around his neck and allowed him to support her as she hobbled out of the room. By the time they reached the elevator, however, he was nearly carrying her, and so he picked her up off her feet and actually carried her.

It felt weird to be in the passenger seat of her own car, she rarely let George drive it, even when they were carpooling. She let Izzie, sometimes, but mostly she felt more comfortable driving herself. With Derek, she had no objections. She wondered if that said something about her. It probably did, but she was too tired to really think about it.

She almost fell asleep as he drove her home, the streetlights passing over her face and her head against the window. He opened the door for her, but he did not get out the crutches, he just picked her up and carried her inside. She tried to protest, but her voice was not cooperating. He took her up to her bedroom and laid her gently on her bed. She slid off her shoes and he pulled the covers over her.

Hesitantly, he leaned down to kiss her, and she grabbed his hand. "Derek? Don't leave me. I don't want to be alone."

Silently, he took off his jacket and shoes, climbing over her and onto the bed. He wrapped his arms around her, holding her close. She felt safe in his arms, and she slid down under the covers, the back of her head against his chest. "Thank you," she murmured, and she barely heard his reply before she fell asleep.

"I love you, Meredith."

In her mind she replied to him but the only sound she could make was a murmured as forty-eight hours of work, and the events of then night caught up with her. She knew that he would understand.

A/N Review please!

* * *

Meredith-like speech:

I wanted to put this in a personal response, but as the review was anonymous, I can't So most of you guys can skip this over and review (please, they make my life!). I didn't want to give the "don't like it, don't read it" speech, because I hate those. The thing is, story is just that, a story. I did do research on the AA, I know about the founding, Alanon the twelve steps (which are, by the way, optional) and I know that Richard wouldn't be particularly likely to mention it in the open. The problem? I needed a device for Derek to find out. I admit, there are other ways. A patient or Adele to name a few. Richard just happened to do it. As for Meredith: Yeah. Okay. In the show she is 99.9 probably not an alcoholic. But that is what fanfic is for, to take things a different way.

I really didn't want to put this on a chapter, because I don't like long author's notes, but I wanted to justify my writing to you guys, because you give me so much by appreciating my stories, you just can't imagine! Please keep reading!


	10. How Lucky You Are

Meredith stood on the first step of the trailer, looking out over the yard and trying to figure out how to manage getting down the steps with the platter of corn-on-the-cob in her hands and not over balance.

"Need a hand with that?" Derek asked, coming up to her and taking the platter in one hand and offering her the other. She smiled at him and allowed him to lead her down the steps. He then handed the platter off to Izzie who was headed to the barbeque which Alex was now manning since Derek had come to rescue the Meredith-in-distress.

"Thanks," she said, and he pulled her against him, his arms around her. She leaned her head back onto his shoulder and watched as Cristina sat on the picnic table by Burke, and bit into a strawberry. They were having a fifth of July gathering, since they had all worked on the fourth. It was one of the little things they did, similar to their Thanksgivings.

George caught her eye from across the yard where he stood talking to Joe, his arm around Callie's waist. He raised his Coke can to her and she laughed. She had been surprised at how quickly they had agreed to a dry celebration when Derek insisted, but after working on the fourth and seeing all the stupid things that people did to each other under the influence of alcohol she wasn't as surprised.

Her own reminder of a stupid thing was the knee brace that she would be wearing for another week. She had attempted to take it off that morning, but that was just before Callie drove up, and so she changed her mind.

"I'm glad that we're doing this," Derek murmured in her ear.

"What?" she said, bring her hands up to his arms. "The fete of the century?"

"No," he said, kissing her neck. "The us thing."

"Ah yes," she said, feigning wisdom. "This us thing. I like it too. A lot. There are the many benefits, having a driver and valet all in one, for instance."

"Aren't we facetious today?" Derek asked, teasingly, and she laughed.

"Hey Shepard, are we going to eat today or just look at the pretty landscape?" Cristina asked, and Meredith laughed. Derek released her to go help Alex with the barbecue and she went over to sit at the table with Burke and Crisitna.

"Meredith, you're glowing," Cristina said. "That's weird. I'm not used to Happy Meredith."

"Get used to her," Meredith said, with a sigh, popping a cherry tomato into her mouth. "She's staying."

"Damn right she is," Derek said, putting down a platter and kissing Meredith's cheek.

"You guys are way too cute," Callie said, coming over to sit down. "George, let's never get that cute."

"Cuteness gauge is on and limited," George said, grabbing a hamburger bun. "But I must warn you, George has difficulty not being cute."

"O'Malley, there are men here," Alex said.

"And don't refer to yourself in the third person, it's tacky." Cristina added.

"Oh, shoot, Alex will you get me a soda?" Izzie asked, just as Alex was sitting down.

"Sure," he said. As he stood Meredith saw George and Cristina share a look and George made a whipping motion with one hand. Meredith snorted into her own Coke and Izzie turned.

"What?" she asked, taking the can of soda Alex offered.

"Nothing," Meredith insisted. "Anyone want the potato salad?"

* * *

As the sun was setting, Burke unloaded a box of fireworks from the back of his car and set about lighting the sparklers. Meredith sat at the picnic table and Derek stood by her.

"It's a good thing that you don't have neighbors," Meredith said, pensively.

"Oh? And why would that be?"

"Because they'd be out here yelling at us that we are a day late, and completely nuts to be setting off fireworks on the fifth of July."

Derek shrugged. "Who cares what my non-existent neighbors would think, what do you think Meredith Grey?"

Meredith grabbed his hand to pull up and kissed him. "That's what I think," she said, putting her arms around his neck and rubbing her nose against his, he laughed and spun her around before she knew what was happening. Then he swung her up onto the picnic table bench, from whence she threw her arms around his neck and put her legs around them. It was a far cry from running and jumping onto his back, but both had the same end.

He grabbed her legs and carried her over to where Burke was handing out sparklers. Cristina raised an eyebrow at them, obviously thinking something along the lines of: _Much too cute_. Derek took a sparkler and handed it up to Meredith.

"Derek? This is how the people we treated yesterday ended up in the hospital," she argued, but it was feeble as she waved the sparkler through the sky. It was human nature to forget danger in the face of pretty, sparkly things. That was why there was a place for doctors.

George and Izzie ran around like kids with their sparklers, while Callie looked amusedly on, refusing to take part. Alex was helping Burke light the firecrackers, which went off a few minutes later. It wasn't exactly the display at the lake, Meredith thought as Derek twirled her before letting her slide down to the grass, miraculously not injuring him with the sparkler, but it was fun.

Meredith traced her name in the sky with the sparkler, and eyed George and Izzie longingly. Callie caught her eye and distinctly mouthed _Don't even think about it_. Meredith smiled. There would be other holidays to run around like a five year old.

Derek joined her again, a sparkler of his own in one hand. The other arm he put around Meredith's waist. "This reminds me of Independence days when I was a kid," he commented. "Of course, most of my sisters were not fans of the noise the fireworks made, but I loved them."

"Already the outdoorsy man you would become," Meredith commented, leaning against him.

"Exactly. I'm sorry it took so long."

"Well," Meredith said, cautiously, "I guess you had to find the girl who would put up with the trout and the other crazy woodsman things. Just don't start with the plaid flannel shirts, I'm not going to put up with the lumberjack look."

Derek laughed and kissed her soundly on the mouth, just as Burke set off another firework.

"I guess they were right," he said, against her lips.

"Who was right?" she murmured, leaning her forehead against his chest.

"The movies. They always said fireworks went off when you kissed the right girl."

Meredith laughed and swatted him playfully. "You are a sappy, sappy man. Who would have thought that the debonair looking drunk guy who picked vulnerable me up from Joe's would turn out to be such a sap?"

"Probably not the girl who picked up the drunk, debonair looking, vulnerable guy up at Joe's." Derek admitted, and Meredith laughed.

"Thank you," she whispered.

"For what?" he asked, twirling his fingers through her hair, as George ran by, chasing Callie who had finally decided to have fun.

"For being sappy, for not just being a one-night stand and for being the one who catches me when I fall."

"My pleasure, Meredith," he said. "My pleasure."

Meredith smiled, and pulled back, maneuvering so that she was leaning on his chest. She watched as twilight turned to night and felt absolutely peaceful in his arms. It was perfect. It was more than perfect. It was serene. She sighed and linked on hand in Derek's, waiting and ready to face whatever would happen next.

FIN

A/N So, review and the prologue to As I Lay Me (the sequel to I Wish I May) will be up some time tomrrow!


End file.
